The picture fades up from black to an aerial shot of a leafy city with light brown buildings all shot on glorious 16mm film. We sweep across the skyline of the city as we move towards one street, one building, and in an instant through an open window.
[cue jarring cut to studio based video tape]
The room is a slightly untidy office, about the size of a average kitchen. The camera passes a small radio cassette player of the type often sold in Argos for £20 which is playing stock indie music because we can't afford to licence anything real. Curiously there appears to be some kind of small fish tank in the office tucked away in a corner.
On the slightly tidier side of the office a bearded man types at a word processor. Meanwhile on the other, untidier, part of the office a small group of people are holding a meeting in a corner. The camera passes them and pans up towards the wall. A calendar appears in shot, the words "June 1992" can clearly be seen. Other items pass through view. We see a partial view of a framed certificate which is some kind of award for spotting things, a badge saying "I've got big tips", and a picture of a garden shed. Finally the camera settles on a television which is displaying images from a computer game. Curiously the flickering image is entirely purple.
The voices of the people in the meeting can be heard.
Woman: And so he went off to run a skate park.
Man: So you're in charge now.
Woman: We might now finally be able to axe Haylp.
The camera pans up to a sign on the wall where we see the word "Your" shortly followed by "Sinclair". Camera pulls out so we see "Your Sinclair" in it's entirety. Camera then does several jump cuts, closer and closer to the sign, to emphasise it.
Camera cuts to the meeting in the corner of the room. We can now clearly see Linda Barker, Jon Nash and Andy Ounsted having an editorial meeting. It is now obvious the fish tank in the corner in fact houses Bert The Stick Insect.
Linda: So Jon, what's this idea you have for something called BEEX Week?
Jon: Well I was on my way to get a hot chocolate and this swirly thing appeared outside the door of Commodore Format. Suddenly this….. thing.. [shudders] with an enormous head appeared and said he was "Davpaz from space year 2011" and would we, the staff of Your Sinclair, mind awfully if we edited something called BEEX week.
Andy: Have you been sniffing the freshly duplicated cover cassettes again?
Jon: So what will happen is that we'll be sent the best posts from Beex and we sort the good from the bad.
Linda: What's BEEX exactly?
Jon: I have no idea. Some kind of bulletin board. Anyway the man with the big head said the posts would be sent through space-time via a special portal called Crastersanus. They should appear somewhere in the office right about……
Linda: But how will we understand them? Won't they be full of terrible in jokes only three people will get? Shouldn't we be sorting out next months issue? We have a Popeye game to...
Jon:…….. now.
[with a flash of a special effect that cost £2.50 a pile of papers appears on a desk]
Linda walks over to them.
Linda: If we write this how do we get it back to them?
Jon: The big headed man said all we need to do is send the finished document via Citylink's next day service. If we send it first thing in the morning it should turn up the 15th of July 2011.
Linda: We'd better start reading then.
[picture fades to black, then fades up again]
The team looks tired and paper cups litter the office. It is now dark outside and the bearded man who edits what we now know is Amstrad Action has gone home. Linda is now sitting at an Apple Mac with a small black and white screen. She begins to type. The camera zooms in over her shoulder to the tiny black and white screen so what she types can be seen by the camera.
Greetings BEEX-chums from the year 1992. I hope the Speccy is still going strong and that YS still dominates the Spectrum magazine market. We've been given the groovy task of judging the best bits of BEEX this week so lets get on with it.
This week…… well, the week you are living in 19 years hence will be remembered for:
Hacking
Breadbins
I've Got Big Tips
Cibrushsille
Making old news, new news
Posts of the Week.
Peter St.John had a comment about a man called Mr Cameron and his press conference
A Sinister Agent gets to look but not touch
Kalmar gets to be our favourite Doctor (Jon Pertwee)
**BLIM!** Until 150 years ago, the Ampersand was regarded as the 27th letter of the alphabet**BLIM!**
Chinnyhill predicts Posh Spice's plans for her own sci-fi series
Curiosity isn't mentioning the races
Mimi makes toast
Stock AP joke #17 from Chinnyhill
**BLIM!** If you are vegetarian it's OK to put meat in your mouth as long as you don't swallow. That way the animal never dies.**BLIM!**
Mimi issues the biggest put down of the week
We had lots of Cibrushsille nominations but this one from new poster MerseyMai is tops
Picture of the week is from Kern and is a picture of a soldier from the past. Kind of like a reverse Terminator. Unusually Arnie is unavailable for comment in a boxout.
[Camera pulls out from screen.]
Linda: Well what do you think? Guys?
Linda looks around to find Andy and Jon playing Chaos on the office Speccy. She sighs, prints the document, seals it in an envelope and addresses it to Davpaz, 2011.
Linda: I wonder if anyone will remember us in 2011…..
Everyone pauses to think about the poignancy of the moment. But before they can really get into it the office door bursts open and a man in black appears to the sound of bagpipes playing a terrifying drone. He is wearing sunglasses with "ATTITUDE" written across the lenses in Tip-Ex.
Man in black (with Scottish accent): We're all going down the pub to celebrate the end of the golden age and to challenge Amiga Format in a drinking contest. You lot coming?
The team make a beeline for their coats and rush out the door. The man in black raises his sunglasses, winks at the camera, lowers them again and shuts the door behind him.
The camera pulls back across the office while the picture fades to black and white before fading all together. The words "Our Work Here Is Done" appear on the screen.
Credits [accompanied by the music of Whistlin' RIck Wilson with Hold My Hand Very Tightly (Very Tightly)]
Attachment:
whistlin rick wilson - hold my hand very tightly.mp3
Starring
Mimi as Linda Barker
Mr Chris as Jon Nash
MaliA as Andy Ounsted
Doctor Glyndwr as Amstrad Action editor
Zaphod as Bert The Stick Insect
and special guest star, Zardoz as Man In Black
Contributors: Doctor Glyndwr, Davpaz, Chinnyhill, Plissken, Sinister Agent, Longines Symphonette, Kalmar, Grim...
Publisher: Grim..
Assistant Publishers: Kalmar, Davpaz, Craster.
No Part of BEEX Week may be reproduced without the express written permission of Larry Grayson. And he's dead so you're going to have some trouble with that.
BEEX Week and Your Sinclair skips through flower filled fields with Commodore Format, Amstrad Action, Amiga Format, PCW Plus, PC Answers, Mackerel Catcher Plus, PC Plus, Sega Power, Goat Toucher UK, Amiga Power, Vigorous Masturbator Shopper, Classic CD, Needlecraft, Cycling Plus, Photo Plus, Mountain Biking UK, PC Format, Rimming Format, Public Domain, ST Format, Going Horse Racing and Today's Serial Killer.
ABC: 59,059
BEEX Publishing: Your Guarantee Of Value.
Thought for the week: What is a smile but a frown turned upside down?
That is a proper tintype, by the way, and not a photoshopped mock-up from a digital print.