Doctor Glyndwr wrote:
Maybe, if you keep saying bloody stupid things.
I am afraid that as long as I am alive that is going to happen. It's who I am. Not only do I say stupid things but I have been known to do stupid things also. I can come across as rude, arrogant, brash, inappropriate and god knows what else. However, most of that is just really bad social skills and saying things that only really make sense to me.
At 44 years old I am afraid that is not going to change. If anything it has gotten worse, since the Bipolar started to turn very ugly in my late 30s. Not only do I have all of those issues but I have also been to death's door wishing it would open. So any inhibitions I had before are now pretty much gone because when you really don't want to be alive any more nothing you say or do can make things worse.
However, given your main critique of me has always been that I steal games? well, let me just stop you there. I have cupboards full of games. I have been collecting since the mid 90s and still have all of my games from then and now. I have an extensive Steam list, and I don't do stealing (because I have no criminal record nor stole anything to be caught with). I could spend all day taking photos and proving it but I feel I shouldn't have to. Sure, there were a couple of times where I said I was going to try before I buy but the only mistake I made there was just being to honest and not being sneaky like neuro typicals like to do. You know? the whole living a lie thing where you walk around hating everything but doing it any way to succeed. I have no interest in that, at all.
I probably have a low mental age, given I still like to do all of the things a child does. I know this, I accept it. I do have a nice high IQ but I am fucked if I even know how it all works. I just do the test and get a high score. What I do know is before I walked out of school at 15 I was in the top level of maths but even though I could do it I had absolutely no idea what was going on. A part of the mind I could not access? IDK. Either way the depression was too great so I walked. Everything else I have taught myself by reading and so on.
What I will say is that whatever you think of me is just wasting your own energy and time. You can hate me if you like, I've found plenty of those sorts over the years. However, given you are some one clearly quite intelligent then you should quickly realise that being nasty to me won't get you anywhere. I won't care, and it won't sink in, and I will just continue on being me. When I am AFK I am doing family stuff, hanging out with my new friend (who also suffers chronic depression) and generally trying to enjoy myself whilst I feel happy. When I am not happy you won't see me at all, bonus.
15 years ago? I would have savoured your dislike for me and I would have wound you up as much as I could. However, at least that part of me has either matured or the pills are doing their job and really I couldn't give a toss either way now. Seriously, I don't even pass it a second thought.
Now of course that is pointing out all of my faults and flaws. You really don't need to waste your energy doing that either dude, I know. Even my psych reports say "is very willing to feel better and take any medication necessary" meaning that I had to go into a very passive state of mind before I could get help, and thus help myself. "The mirror of life" I called it. Took a look, didn't like what looked back at me so I checked myself into the mental health system and for better or worse have been there ever since. That's more than many I have met have been able to do. They are either in denial, or just continue on being vile and pushing people away. I did not want that (because that is where I would have ended up).
However, there are good things about me too. I love gaming and am very passionate about it, I am generally quite kind to people and very loyal. I love to chat also, even if sometimes I do get very confused. And I mean, very confused. The more some one attacks me or pushes me the more it just confuses me to a point where I really don't know what the fuck is going on. Fight or flight, I usually take flight. Never used to be that way, though.
Oh, and the older I get the worse it gets. That said statistically many with Bipolar commit when they are in their 40s, so you never know you may even get lucky.