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 Post subject: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 15:56 
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I'm beginning to worry about Spielberg.

War Horse opens in the bucolic Devonshire countryside, where a struggling alcoholic (but essentially decent) farmer buys a thoroughbred horse, to the delight of his son and the despair of his wife. The horse is unsuited to farm work, but due to sheer determination, intelligence and unusual stamina the horse manages to turn its hooves to the taxing busingess of ploughing fields. But then war comes, and the horse must be sold to the British army to help in the fight against the Hun. Where will the winds of war blow our friend with his white socks and crest?

War Horse is the eggiest pudding ever to be set in front of a cinema audience. It is so over egged, that were Spielberg a baker he wouldn't have balked even at a basket of Ostrich eggs and would indeed have tossed in a few oversized ones from the Jurassic Park genetics lab. Almost every single shot in the film is striving towards some sort of poetic beauty, but so overused are the sunrises and sunsets, dawn mists and drifting snow, that they eventually become horribly improbable. Indeed, some look a little too digitally tinkered. Now this is just the backdrop admittedly, but it points towards how badly the film goes astray in every other department as well. The script by Richard Curtis is resolutely unsubtle and irritatingly bland in its characterisation. People are either salt of the earth common folk, eyebrow raised ignorant and callous upper class or... well, that's it really. The script gets the job done, it's not an inherently bad one, but it proves itself utterly devoid of interest. There's no dialogue that sets anyone out against anybody else. And it's so bloody full of lessons as well. Everyone's always earnestly trying to impart something poetic and elevating to somebody else. You may think that such a thing is fair enough in a family war film, but it does grind you down. It's a continuous, "AH! Do you see? But AHHHH!"

Another gloopy egg cracked open and dripped over the (digital) celuoid is the relentless score by John Williams, as mechanical and inhuman and endless as the war itself. It's the same refrain, repeated over and over and over. Imagine Adele's 'Chasing Pavements' song, for three hours. Exactly. It stuck in my head for two nights running, feverishly repeating. Cheers, Williams.

There's a curious lack of genuine emotion as well. It's strange but it's hard to actually care too much about the horse. There's an attempt to make us hate a German officer who shoots them down when they've become too tired to pull the heavy guns, but that's what war is. It's the system he's part of, and the English system was remarkably similar. Before trucks came along, something had to pull those artillery pieces. The film tries to show us the horror of war, including a genuinely gripping Somme battle sequence, but leaves no lasting impression as there's a dearth of emotional intent behind it. There's no real anger or despair or hope. It's just showing some narrative stuff in an interminable film about a horse. For me, it's the most baffling cinematic experience I've ever had. There's bags of talent in the making of it and yet there doesn't seem to be any soul.

There's the odd good bit. The scene involving a Krupp field gun being dragged to the top of a hill is a sort of equine Saldego vision from hell. The story about the two young German brothers is touching and genuinely sad, if even they should have predicted the ending. The announcement of war is well done, as are the scenes involving Cumberbatch as an English cavalry officer. But too often Spielberg resorts to a cinematic grab-bag of expoitative techniques. You could tell what shots were coming, and what beats were going to be hit before they came.

Symptomatic of the entire folly are the opening Devonshire scenes. The film attempts to lay a foundation for the subsequent horrific oddyssey by evoking a lost English rural idyll and the struggle of peacetime farmers. What in practice plays out is a schmaltzier version of Babe, with even an angry goose to provide panto laughs as it chases of the mean landlord and his friends. This is a film that has absolutely no idea of striving for a consistent artistic vision. It just seems content to try and slap a story on a big screen.

Anything good about it then? Well, the talent does show, all the same. It looks impressive. Spielberg's regular foil Janusz Kaminski does his usual excellent work, but again this is undermined by the relentless demand for beauty shots. It's not a BAD film either, there are scenes that work well. It's just utterly ho-hum.

All in all, a treacly, over-egged, over long movie with gripping brutal war bits that ultimately don't seem to matter so much in the general inertialess, cloying mass.


2.5/5

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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 16:05 
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As usual, a great write up. Personally I lost interest in the film when I saw a trailer for it over the Christmas holidays. It was a pretty normal trailer, but four times in-between clips of the film itself it faded to black to show BIG QUOTES ABOUT THE FILM in all-caps gold lettering. FIVE STARS. EXCELLENT. HEART WARMING. FANTASTIC.

Fair enough. But something was amiss. Underneath all four of the all-caps gold lettered praise was a much smaller bit of text attributing the quote. Every one of them said "Barry Shitpeas, Daily Mirror". All four quotes were from the same bollocks review from the Daily Mirror.


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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 16:07 
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I think the major problem is that horses are really very dull unless you're a 12 year old girl. Imagine what they could have done with WAR BABOON?

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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 16:13 
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Nice review Phil and I'd figured much of what you say from looking at the trailer. However I think you'll find this the best review of War Horse.

http://thehairpin.com/2012/01/war-horse ... ted-review

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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 16:14 
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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 16:19 
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First id heard of it was the trailer. Which looked poo.

By the 50th time, id rather have ducked warehouse than seen it.

War baboon on the other hand sounds like an excellent film.


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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 16:20 
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You have to put it all in capitals.

WAR BABOON.

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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 16:21 
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Paws for thought

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Craster wrote:
You have to put it all in capitals.

WAR BABOON.

Good luck in getting my phone to cooperate with that


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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 16:23 
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I think I saw WAR BABOON last week on Channel 4. He terrorised the locals of Cape Town.


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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 16:27 
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WTB wrote:
I think I saw WAR BABOON last week on Channel 4. He terrorised the locals of Cape Town.


You could make a film out of that. I'm thinking West Side Story with Baboons meets Iron Man.

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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 16:30 
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I, AM, WAR BAB-OON, DER-DER DER-DER DER DER DER DER-DER.


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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 16:30 
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Mr Dave wrote:
By the 50th time, id rather have ducked warehouse than seen it.

Indeed.

I saw the book in AZDAZ for £3. Is the story good?

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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 16:31 
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It's about a horse, ferchrissakes.


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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 16:32 
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Zardoz wrote:
Mr Dave wrote:
By the 50th time, id rather have ducked warehouse than seen it.

Indeed.

I saw the book in AZDAZ for £3. Is the story good?


It's a story about a horse.


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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 16:32 
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BLACK BEAUTY ON CRACK


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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 16:41 
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WTB wrote:
It's about a horse, ferchrissakes.


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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 16:52 

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Spielberg is so uninteresting to me these days (ditto World War Bloody Two, or One, or whatever, which we've established was absolutely rotten for the most part) that I'm not even inclined to read a Pete review about his latest 'joint'. Quite a shame, that.


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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 17:07 
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Craster wrote:
WTB wrote:
I think I saw WAR BABOON last week on Channel 4. He terrorised the locals of Cape Town.


You could make a film out of that. I'm thinking West Side Story with Baboons meets Iron Man.

Really? I was thinking more "Commando" with Baboons. WAR BABOON is jerked out of retirement after one of his countless children is kidnapped. Watch! WAR BABOON hang from a branch with his feet, whilst firing a machine gun from each hand! Gasp! As WAR BABOON strangle an enemy with his prehensile tail! Laugh! As WAR BABOON makes a witty quip after hurling a bad guy down a ravine! Cheer! As WAR BABOON displays rudimentary tool usage and basic communication skills!


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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 17:16 
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Paws for thought

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Zardoz wrote:
Mr Dave wrote:
By the 50th time, id rather have ducked warehouse than seen it.

Indeed.

I saw the book in AZDAZ for £3. Is the story good?

Phone, how you mock me.


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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 17:28 
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GovernmentYard wrote:
Spielberg is so uninteresting to me these days (ditto World War Bloody Two, or One, or whatever, which we've established was absolutely rotten for the most part) that I'm not even inclined to read a Pete review about his latest 'joint'. Quite a shame, that.


Aye, I shouldn't bother. Read DerekFME's linked review though, as it's the funniest thing I've read in a while.

Munich was cracking though. Remember that? Why do we all forget Munich?

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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 17:29 
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Baboons don't have prehensile tails.

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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 17:34 
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Darn. I must have been thinking of WAR GOLDEN-BELLIED CAPUCHIN MONKEY.


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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 17:54 
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NervousPete wrote:
Why do we all forget Munich?


Because most everything else he's done in the last fifteen years is terrible lowest-common-denominator horseshit?

Note: I'd probably struggle to justify that if put to the question but it about sums up my gut feeling and seeing his name anywhere near anything these days is enough to guarantee that I won't watch it.


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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 18:08 
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.


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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 19:37 
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Yesss!


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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 19:43 
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Does it suffer from the usual Speilberg problem of having overly-extended subplots about absent fathers? That should have been cut from 'Catch me if you Can', after all.


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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 19:50 
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That fork was ice cold!

Seriously though, I can't fault Catch Me If You Can. Have Walken, will use him.


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 Post subject: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 21:12 
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Catch Me If You Can is wonderful, silly.

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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 21:18 
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Go and see the play. I have no interest in the film as I cannot imagine it would be anything other than dreadful. The play is astonishing simply because of the stunning puppetry. It is a tear jerker though and if you feel uncomfortable crying you will feel uncomfortable.

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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 22:44 
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WTB wrote:
As usual, a great write up. Personally I lost interest in the film when I saw a trailer for it over the Christmas holidays. It was a pretty normal trailer, but four times in-between clips of the film itself it faded to black to show BIG QUOTES ABOUT THE FILM in all-caps gold lettering. FIVE STARS. EXCELLENT. HEART WARMING. FANTASTIC.

Fair enough. But something was amiss. Underneath all four of the all-caps gold lettered praise was a much smaller bit of text attributing the quote. Every one of them said "Barry Shitpeas, Daily Mirror". All four quotes were from the same bollocks review from the Daily Mirror.


Not to be an arse, but I think this was actually the Daily Mail. I agree though, and it wound me up too.

I really love Spielberg, but to be honest this one doesn't appeal to me much.

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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 22:50 
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It was definitely the Mirror! Maybe there was another ad using the same trick?


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 Post subject: Re: War Horse
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 22:55 
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WTB wrote:
It was definitely the Mirror! Maybe there was another ad using the same trick?


Oh more than likely then. The Mail bloke I was referring to is Christopher Tookey, a rubbish reviewer I rarely agree with. I just remember thinking it didn't sound good for this film, if they only had a handful of quotes just from him.

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