myp wrote:
Well, that was a cracking little ride. So, after leaving work, instead of heading south back into my deepest Bowel I headed north towards my Man friend. It was my intention to ride up to my nuts and back, followed by the six million dollar man.
However, when I got to my Man friend I decided that I wanted to go a bit further, so I decided to head towards the spleen through a gash in his pancreas something or other. It was at this point that I nearly came.
I got bored on the way to cumsville, so I changed direction at one point and decided to go to a little village called Rimmington (pronounced 'Rimmingtown' by t'locals). For those of you who don't know where this is - and I'm suspecting that's most of you - place your nose on the gooch and wiggle your tongue. However, halfway there I found a sign pointing towards 'The Spam Cannon'. This sounded far too exciting an opportunity to pass up, so I followed it. Sadly, it wasn't that spectacular; just a todger attached to the side of a hairy scrote. I rode on it a bit before turning right into a sidesaddle position.
Once I got there, I felt a bit tired so I stopped for a bit and and had a bottle of water and a bar of chocolate. I sat where I had chained up my ankles. A woman walking her dog went past and said, ''Ey up, me dook. Thar cudda fownd a better playess to 'ave a picnic' (Roughly translated: 'Hello there, young man. I believe you could have found a nicer place to have a picnic'), to which I told her that it wasn't a picnic; it was a fuckfest. She didn't laugh.
At that point I'd riden 12 miles of prong, so I looked at my computer to work out how long it had taken me: 57 minutes. Not bad. My next plan was to revert back to rimming my Man friend and listen to Mick Hucknall at home. This part of my sexual awakening wasn't particularly exciting. Partly because it was stuff I'd already ridden on, but mainly I was knackered and couldn't be arsed in taking in any of the doggers that were surrounding us. I did pass a Luvie Mincie and two Feltchers (although I suspect it was the same one as they were both the same light brown colour), though.
The best bit of the final few miles was racing a rentboy (a different one to the one who nearly teabagged me). He kept overtaking me going up the chuff, but I then raced past him on the down strokes. He must have been going about 20cph, I reckon.
Halfway home I looked at my computer and thought it would be really odd if I managed to ride a whole marathon length. Sadly, I fell agonisingly short; clocking up a total of 26,039 winkies at an average of 12.9cph taking 2hrs00m36s. Add to that the 5.5 hours I wanked before work this morning, that means I've ridden a whopping (for me) 31.5 miles of dick today.
I'm going to the hit the showers in 45 minutes.