Be Excellent To Each Other

FortuneCity loser.

Miss Malabar was telling me about someone her best friend's lecturer knows last night.

This girl went to a nightclub and met a guy there. They kissed a bit, and he invited her around to his place. She declined, saying she wasn't that type of girl, and they swapped numbers. When she got home, he wouldn't stop badgering her (it may have been Craster) about going round to his house. She kept declining, and went to sleep.

In the morning, she woke to find the area around her mouth was covered in a rash. Nasty. So she went to the clinic, they took a swab, and sent her away without answers. They didn't know what it was.

A week or so later, she got a phone-call from the clinic, ordering her to come in straight away. They wouldn't tell her over the phone.

She got to the clinic, and the police were there. They explained that the swab sample had come back, and found that it was something that they usually only find on corpses. She gave the police this guy's number, they tracked him down and raided his house, only to find three corpses whom he'd dressed up and had been doing naughty things to.

Ugh!

Of course, I can't verify any of this. But it's an awesome, horrible story.

Works for me, n00blar.

Water from Michael Barrymore's swimming pool?

Brilliant!

@Mimi, given you have said you shop in Neasden and areas around there, given the recent events which have occurred in the vicinity I can understand why these policies are in place. As you say, it is just a cutlery knife, but if I was the cashier, I would be checking because you wouldn't want to be the person who sold the knife which was used in a fatal stabbing. Well,I wouldn't anyway.

Obviously, if you were in Harrods, then I take it all back!

Bloody hell, took me about 2 minutes to post that message!

Two things regards the library:

1: Met the new boss, she started yesterday. Had a chat. I really like her, hurrah! I anticipate great things.

2: Guess who's opening the library on our official opening day?

The Manic Street Preachers. Cor, eh? Here's hoping for a comedy powercut or fuse blowing during 'Design for Life'.

Ah lecturers and their amusing stories. Also see the dead body that fell through the roof of the local KFC covered in maggots and the student found with a toilet brush up his arse.

To be fair it was only half way up, but bristles first.

Fuck knows. Still horrible though.

Hurrah! Mrs. Rodders is going to take me to lunch. This may not be the best plan since I seem to be feeling a) a bit fey and b) a bit argumentative this morning, but still: lunch!

Awesome for Mrs R - lunch with a stroppy pixie.

Yep, just found that. I will give this to Miss Malabar, tell her to tell her friend's lecturer to stop bullshitting, and check things before I post!

We were in London last week for a funeral, but we're back in Lancaster now, which is where I was disallowed my purchase.

Also, people have guns in Neasden, they don't go piddling about with some butter knife

Present a bill for Richie's overdue fines.

Hell, that's post of the week for me. Mind if I pass this joke off as my own round here?

Feel free.

Second MaliA BnB-pwnage comment of the day.

I know of a similar true story, Malabar.

2 European cups ago my local pub took the snooker table out and installed a makeshift stand out of scaffolding and planks so everyone could see the big screen and get into the spirit of things. One lad brought a trumpet in and tooted along everytime they played in the match coverage. When the trumpeter went to the bar some spiteful prick took his trumpet into the bog and rubbed his arse on the mouth piece. The trumpeter played on when he got back for the rest of the match. The next day his mouth was covered in weeping sores according to my mate who was the cellarman at the time.

Sell him some magic beans, first.

If she don't know me by now...

Now that's a plan.

The whole course consisted of about six lessons of 'just kick him in the balls and run'. Later I was, of course, attacked by a girl. Luckily I had a friend (also a girl) who was much bigger than the girl who attacked me, and was following a short way behind and so counter attacked and won.

So if I ran at you with a banana, you'd know exactly what to do?

What about a pointed stick?

Or a baboon?

They ran a 'self-defense course for women' at the place I did Karate - I often was allowed to join in as it was after karate and I was waiting for my mum or dad to pick me up. It was very good, lots of psychology mixed with very simple fighting techniques (such as claw the eyes or knee the knackers).
Basically, it boils down to Grim...'s three simple rules of self-defence, which are (in order of importance):
1) Don't get in a fight, you'll get hurt.
2) If you do get in a fight, hit them as hard as you can as fast as you can, then run like buggery
3) If you can't run (or someone with you can't run), bust out the ninja training and make them fucking sorry.

So far I've only got to 3 about four times.

I was wondering round the househould section of a major retailer this lunchtime hunting for an industrial strength can opener. Emblazoned with a large 'Not for sale to under 18s' sticker was a humble vegetable peeler. We're doomed.


A few more posts like this and I'll be ghostwriting for Richard Littlejohn

I don't remember which supermarket I was in, but I noticed they had signs saying if you looked under 25 they'd ID you for booze.

That's nearly half a lifetime over the legal age of 18.

It has always been 21 in other shops, as far as I can remember. Has it?

It's leet o'clock!

FTFY.

I'm not the only one who cheers at that then?

I also cheer at 9:42.

Hell, I used to play Netball at school (not for the school, as that was against the rules. Rubbish). It's quite a good game.

Hmm. Nope. 9:42?

nynfortoo

I've been to places in the US where they'll ID if you look under 40. They're basically saying "we're going to ID the fuck out of everyone, because we don't want to be fined. Deal with it".

I've got no real complaints with that, to be honest.

The only complaint I did have was that it was fuck bastard hot out, and it meant I had to walk back to the hotel to get my passport before I could buy a sodding pack of cigarettes.

Yeah, I couldn't get beer in a place we went to in Montana - hot springs where you can sit in lovely warm water and drink and listen to live music FTMFW! - because the woman said that "the young 'uns" meaning my wife (27) and me (35) would have to produce ID to get served.

I played netball at school. All the other lads laughed when i chose to do it. I laughed when they spent the lesson with their heads jammed ebtween each others legs, and Iw as running about with the girls in their gym kit. Awesome it was.

Kick you in the balls?



Kick you in the balls.

Kick the baboon in the balls, then kick you in the balls.

I'm 27. I still get asked for ID about 4 in 5 times I buy alcohol.

Then I will do neither of those things.

What about a bunch of flowers?

I have repressed the majority of my memories of school PE lessons but I do remember realising that if I ran ahead of the ball the big boys wouldn't jump on me. Of course, the downside to that plan was that it involved physical effort on my part.

Mimi for 2012 javelin judge!

Sign on building site I just walked past:

"No unauthorised personal".

Well, you know those builders.

Second comedy typo of the day, in a specification for an invitation to quote for legal services to [secret squirrel government agency]"

"The work involved will include checking for typo's. Assistance is also sort for structuring the arrangement with the supplier"

For some reason I never miss it. I always happen to glance at my watch/phone/computer at exactly 13:37. Weird.