The Jacqui Smith Thread

Dudley · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 8679

Is there anyone else here that wouldn't expect to be sacked for submitting a porn movie on expenses?

MaliA · **Posted:** Tue Mar 31, 2009 9:42

Dudley wrote:

Is there anyone else here that wouldn't expect to be sacked for submitting a porn movie on expenses?

Craster.

Cras · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 49253

I most certainly would.

Unless you mean the expenses of hiring a film crew to film my own porn movie. That I could get away with.

GazChap · **Posted:** Tue Mar 31, 2009 9:46

With Jacqui Smith? You sicko.

MaliA · **Posted:** Tue Mar 31, 2009 9:47

Craster wrote:

I most certainly would.

Unless you mean the expenses of hiring a film crew to film my own porn movie. That I could get away with.

Soz, I read a "to" into the sentence, which threw me a bit, tehre. I'm wasn't trying to say you'd attempt to hornswoggle a blue movie out of your bosses, I was attempting to insinuate you'd be in one, for expenses. Or something.

Kern · **Posted:** Tue Mar 31, 2009 9:48

GazChap wrote:

With Jacqui Smith? You sicko.

I have an alarming weakness for Angela Merkel

MaliA · **Posted:** Tue Mar 31, 2009 9:49

GazChap wrote:

With Jacqui Smith? You sicko.

You'd deffo get a medal and a mention in dispatches for that, though.

Buying a knighthood might still be the better option, though.

MaliA · **Posted:** Tue Mar 31, 2009 9:49

Kern wrote:

GazChap wrote:

With Jacqui Smith? You sicko.

I have an alarming weakness for Angela Merkel

WHAT

THE

FUCK

?

HAVE

YOU

GOT

THE

MENTALS

MAN?

Kern · **Posted:** Tue Mar 31, 2009 9:53

MaliA wrote:

MENTALSMAN?

<hasty clarification>
If - and only if - I had to choose a world leader to go on a dinner date with.
</hasty clarification>

MaliA · **Posted:** Tue Mar 31, 2009 9:55

Kern wrote:

MaliA wrote:

MENTALSMAN?

<hasty clarification>
If - and only if - I had to choose a world leader to go on a dinner date with.
</hasty clarification>

Over Ukraines?

kalmar · **Posted:** Tue Mar 31, 2009 10:00

Mr Chris wrote:

kalmar wrote:

Mr Chris wrote:

I'm not sure any of the "exposed" things are either fraudulent or against the rules, are they?

Possibly, and the movie thing is clearly a mistake.. but it reveals a culture where all and every expense of daily living is routinely charged as an expense.

Sorry, but at some point, that's what your massive wages are for.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, these are "allowances", not "expenses" - a crucial difference from their point of view. They were introduced to up their income without having to vote for payrises for themselves, with all the attendant bad publicity that would go with it.

A good point, I wasn't paying attention.
The whole business about being "allowed" an additional house in London when you already live in London is definitely taking the piss though, within the rules or not

MrChris · **Joined:** 1st Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 30498

MaliA wrote:

Kern wrote:

MaliA wrote:

MENTALSMAN?

<hasty clarification>
If - and only if - I had to choose a world leader to go on a dinner date with.
</hasty clarification>

Over Ukraines?

Fucking *word*, dude.

Kern · **Posted:** Tue Mar 31, 2009 10:11

Mr Chris wrote:

Fucking *word*, dude.

Blimey. I'd happily stuff her ballot box. Clearly, I need to follow Eastern European politics more closely.

Kern · **Posted:** Tue Mar 31, 2009 10:14

Mr Chris wrote:

I *do* hope it was gay porn her husband was watching. With her researcher. Oooooh, this could get good.

Her researcher was watching. Mr Smith is also Mrs Smith's employee.

DBSnappa · **Posted:** Tue Mar 31, 2009 10:15

Mr Chris wrote:

MaliA wrote:

Kern wrote:

MaliA wrote:

MENTALSMAN?

<hasty clarification>
If - and only if - I had to choose a world leader to go on a dinner date with.
</hasty clarification>

Over Ukraines?

Fucking *word*, dude.

Attractive as she is, I sometimes cuss my painter's eye where I notice all the flaws in someone's face within seconds of looking at them - and she has a very oddly shaped top lip

We all know MaliA would still do Maggie

MrChris · **Joined:** 1st Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 30498

DBSnappa wrote:

Attractive as she is, I sometimes cuss my painter's eye where I notice all the flaws in someone's face within seconds of looking at them - and she has a very oddly shaped top lip

Ah, it's the imperfections that make beauty, of course. As some Russian dude said.

She does have a little of the Calista Flockheart around the mouth, however.

Quote:

We all know MaliA would still do Maggie

EW EW EW

Malabelm · **Posted:** Tue Mar 31, 2009 10:17

MaliA wrote:

Besides, London does make sense as the more we hide The North from the world's eyes, the better. Jesus isn't going to land Marine one in The Bullring and consider coming back to the UK, now is he?

Fuck off. We're not having Birmingham.

MaliA · **Posted:** Tue Mar 31, 2009 10:21

DBSnappa wrote:

We all know MaliA would still do Maggie

Fuck off, no way.

She fucked the trade unions.

DavPaz · **Joined:** 27th Jun, 2008 **Posts:** 38821

Kern wrote:

GazChap wrote:

With Jacqui Smith? You sicko.

I have an alarming weakness for Angela Merkel

You'd like this then.

Some photoshop wizard turns Merkel into a 'stunner' in minutes.

http://www.5min.com/Video/Extreme-photo ... L-31386999

MaliA · **Posted:** Tue Mar 31, 2009 10:26

DavPaz wrote:

Kern wrote:

GazChap wrote:

With Jacqui Smith? You sicko.

I have an alarming weakness for Angela Merkel

You'd like this then.

Some photoshop wizard turns Merkel into a 'stunner' in minutes.

http://www.5min.com/Video/Extreme-photo ... L-31386999

I can do that in seconds. With a pickaxe handle.

TheVision · **Posted:** Tue Apr 07, 2009 11:08

Does anyone know the names of the adult films purchased? I need them for a pub quiz we're doing at work on Thursday!

MaliA · **Posted:** Tue Apr 07, 2009 11:10

There was some speculation about it in private Eye. Basically, I don't think one can be sure, as the way the billing system works, it could be a lot of things from several channels over a 12 hour period. Someone said here, about something from popbitch, but I would take the Eye's version of events over popbitches any day of the week.

metalangel · **Posted:** Tue Apr 07, 2009 11:20

TheVision wrote:

Does anyone know the names of the adult films purchased? I need them for a pub quiz we're doing at work on Thursday!

I hope it was 'Member of Parliament' and 'House of Cum ons'.

Zardoz · **Posted:** Tue Apr 07, 2009 11:38

"Brown Gordon V Chuff Whip"

Plissken · **Posted:** Tue Apr 07, 2009 11:50

Mass Debate
Special Order, Order
A Three Line Whip
The Right Dishonourable Member
Backbenchers on Heat
Ayes to the Right, Sweaty Heaving Bosoms to the Left

Nik · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 1982

The Division Bell-end

metalangel · **Posted:** Tue Apr 07, 2009 12:16

'Act up Fundament'

I saw an amusing Barely Legal video where a coppers pulls over a young lass in a convertible and does her, entitled 'Moving Violations'.

Kern · **Posted:** Tue Apr 07, 2009 12:29

Oh dear god. She's gone nutso:

From: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/u ... 037098.ece

Quote:

Smith has called a “burglary summit” this week, at which she will announce the introduction of 10% discount vouchers at B&Q.

'Sorry you've been burglared. Have a discount on a padlock'

[EDIT burglared? I meant burgled . Hate that word]

kalmar · **Posted:** Tue Apr 07, 2009 12:31

"BUY PRODUCTS. NEW IS GOOD"

myp · **Posted:** Tue Apr 07, 2009 12:35

Kern wrote:

'Sorry you've been burglared. Have a discount on a padlock'

In not too dissimilar news, Ange saw on the local news last night that they're going to give Wiis to obese children to encourage them to do more exercise.

Why not give them a fucking ball or something?

Zardoz · **Posted:** Tue Apr 07, 2009 12:41

Tuxedos and Gowns can be just as expensive.

devilman · **Posted:** Tue Apr 07, 2009 12:43

Quote:

According to the leaked receipts, Ms Smith filed claims of £550 for a stone sink and console for the kitchen, £568.95 for two washing machines and £119.99 for a Vax carpet cleaner.

Some £405.37 went on plumbing, nearly £500 on a shower mixer, and 88p on a bath plug.

Ms Smith also reportedly bought a £1,000 fireplace, a 32-inch flat screen TV costing £369.99 and a £575 armchair.

Another £511.20 was spent on a sofabed, £72 on four scatter cushions, and £110 on bed linen.

Asked about the claims for pornographic films watched by her husband, she replied: "I feel personally sorry, cross and angry with myself that I made a claim that I shouldn't have made. I paid it back. I did the wrong thing."

I couldn't care less about the porn - £72 for four cushions?

metalangel · **Posted:** Tue Apr 07, 2009 12:44

devilman wrote:

I couldn't care less about the porn - £72 for four cushions?

Maybe she had arse and boob implants, to try and coax him back from teh pr0n?

BikNorton · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 10241

Wait - "gone"?

GazChap · **Posted:** Tue Apr 07, 2009 12:51

Just heard on Radio 1: "Jacqui Smith insists that she hasn't considered resigning due to the expenses scandal, but does say that she has spoken to her husband about the exploitation of women."

Oh PUR-LEASE.

BikNorton · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 10241

myp wrote:

Why not give them a fucking ball or something?

Or one of those novelty imprint things - you know, a grid of pins that you push.

Yeah, those, but made of nails, and tied to every fat kid's arse.

ApplePieOfDestiny · **Joined:** 17th Dec, 2008 **Posts:** 8293

GazChap wrote:

Just heard on Radio 1: "Jacqui Smith insists that she hasn't considered resigning due to the expenses scandal, but does say that she has spoken to her husband about the exploitation of women."

Ah, thats ok then. Case closed.

Cras · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 49253

If I was him, I'd be leaving her right now and making a shed load of money with a book deal. Let's see her survive that.

sinister agent · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 7046

Quote:

Jacqui Smith, the home secretary, will announce this week that ministers have teamed up with the DIY retailers B&Q and Focus to provide discount vouchers to help householders make their homes more secure.

What... in the name ... of all that shits and bleeds?

I may be mistaken - I hope I am - but is that really a newspaper reporting that the government is spending our money on advertising for a couple of fucking shops?

Dimrill · **Posted:** Tue Apr 07, 2009 18:14

Watch from 3:20 onwards:

myp · **Posted:** Tue Apr 07, 2009 19:47

David Van Day's a right prick, yeah.

Kern · **Posted:** Tue Apr 07, 2009 19:53

sinister agent wrote:

I may be mistaken - I hope I am - but is that really a newspaper reporting that the government is spending our money on advertising for a couple of fucking shops?

Next week the health minister will give Ms Goody's children a money-off voucher for Calpol.

chinnyhill10 · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 15695

Kern wrote:

sinister agent wrote:

I may be mistaken - I hope I am - but is that really a newspaper reporting that the government is spending our money on advertising for a couple of fucking shops?

Next week the health minister will give Ms Goody's children a money-off voucher for heroin.

FTFY.

metalangel · **Posted:** Wed Apr 08, 2009 7:40

chinnyhill10 wrote:

Kern wrote:

sinister agent wrote:

I may be mistaken - I hope I am - but is that really a newspaper reporting that the government is spending our money on advertising for a couple of fucking shops?

Next week the health minister will give Ms Goody's children a money-off voucher for an electric knife so they can cook her and sell kebabs of her.

FTFY.

Super-FTFY.

Kern · **Posted:** Fri Jul 17, 2009 15:48

Awww....poor Jacqui....

Quote:

"Jacqui Smith feared she was not up to being home secretary and wished she had been better trained for the role, she reveals in a magazine interview."

< http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/8155454.stm >

Bobbyaro · **Joined:** 18th Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 11920

bitch

Dr Lave · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 5979

Kern wrote:

Awww....poor Jacqui....

Quote:

"Jacqui Smith feared she was not up to being home secretary and wished she had been better trained for the role, she reveals in a magazine interview."

< http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/8155454.stm >

Don't we all. Don't we all.

Maybe someone could have explained that whole Magna Carta thing to her.

Kern · **Posted:** Tue Feb 22, 2011 14:53

Naughty stuff? On the Internet? Really, Jacqui?

El Reg wrote:

Smith told the Radio Times that during her research for the documentary, she had been "shocked" to discover how much hard-core material was washing around the net. And so much of it for absolutely no cost at all.

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2011/02/22 ... cumentary/

'Research'? We paid our license fee for her to browse for ['kittens']?

Warhead · Noob as of 6/8/10

Kern wrote:

Naughty stuff? On the Internet? Really, Jacqui?

Yes, it's true. I saw a picture of a lady's front bottom the other day. I had to wash my monitor afterwards.

Sir Taxalot · **Joined:** 5th Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 4966

Warhead wrote:

Kern wrote:

Naughty stuff? On the Internet? Really, Jacqui?

Yes, it's true. I saw a picture of a lady's front bottom the other day. I had to wash my monitor afterwards.

I use those layered peel-off screen protectors, like what the F1 drivers have on their visors. So much more convenient.

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