I like the super gays he's employed for backing. They're off to solve a style crime after this.
Turkey.
"That's Sasha Baron Cohen!" Lord Rixondale.
This is all very cockney, oddly. If it were a scent, it would be, 'Cockney - by Jean Paul Gaultier.'
"Like me like I like you. Nanny nanny nanny naw." Well, they've got the non-threatening poster-boy thing down. Lyrics are gloriously off. "Welcome to my ship baby, come with me to fight." And now he's singing about Turkey's resurgent naval military might. Clearly they're going to threaten Greece and the channel again. Get Lord Palmestone on the blower! Quick!
I hope the Turkish navy wear those uniforms.
Lord R: "Bollocks! They nicked my Sasha joke!" 7.5/10
Lady R: 8! "They had a boat!"
Me: 8 - I liked the dodgy militarism of it.
"That's Sasha Baron Cohen!" Lord Rixondale.
This is all very cockney, oddly. If it were a scent, it would be, 'Cockney - by Jean Paul Gaultier.'
"Like me like I like you. Nanny nanny nanny naw." Well, they've got the non-threatening poster-boy thing down. Lyrics are gloriously off. "Welcome to my ship baby, come with me to fight." And now he's singing about Turkey's resurgent naval military might. Clearly they're going to threaten Greece and the channel again. Get Lord Palmestone on the blower! Quick!
I hope the Turkish navy wear those uniforms.
Lord R: "Bollocks! They nicked my Sasha joke!" 7.5/10
Lady R: 8! "They had a boat!"
Me: 8 - I liked the dodgy militarism of it.
Estonia.
"This is like a performance in the final of X-Factor. Like a Gary Barlow song. By the blandest man in the universe."
Good singer, but boring. "Being boring is the worst crime you can commit." Lord R.
We have literally nothing to say about this.
Lord R: 2/10
Lady R: 5/10 (She's feeling contrary. An agruement begins.)
Me: 2/10
"This is like a performance in the final of X-Factor. Like a Gary Barlow song. By the blandest man in the universe."
Good singer, but boring. "Being boring is the worst crime you can commit." Lord R.
We have literally nothing to say about this.
Lord R: 2/10
Lady R: 5/10 (She's feeling contrary. An agruement begins.)
Me: 2/10
NervousPete wrote:
so we talk about how Sarah Cox went to school with one of Rixondale's friends. Apparently she was very pretty.
Sara Cox was glorious when she was younger.
Hmmm...looks like Rawwk next. Better be good.
Jedward on the way. Time for whiskey. They can almost talk now and everything. Good lord. Sarah Cox looks incredibly bored talking to them.
Anyone reckon we could have a remake of The High Life but with Jedward instead of Alan Cummings?
Anyone reckon we could have a remake of The High Life but with Jedward instead of Alan Cummings?
All my sympathy for the Norwegian people has drained away.
Has Jedward fucked off yet? I can't even bear a second of those utter cunts.
Slovakia - Max Jason May! Stobe-a-rific! And he promises maximum effort! MAXIMUM EVERYTHING!
"It's Steel Panther!" - Lord Rixondale. "It's always funny when you see a random metal band. It doesn't fit in at all."
Is that Stuart Campbell on drums?
"I wonder which member of this band gets the most chicks. I bet it's the singer. Because he looks most like a girl." Says Lord R. confusingly. He's spinning around now. He'll get dizzy! He's got eyeliner though, that's eighties. "I think a man who can confidently wear leather trousers gets respect. No, wait. Bono. Er."
Lord R: 6/10 (Claims Lady R fancies the singer.)
Lady R: 8/10
Me: 5/10 Not silly enough.
Norway.
"Peter Andre! In the house!" Lord R.
"I know if it's wrong or it's right." Sounds a bit sexual predator. Tell that to the courts, guvnor. "It's like I'm losing all control. You know it's making me hot and you know I can't stop. It's like a fire in my soul! I don't know if it's wrong or it's right - but I want you!" Jesus, this is rape.
Fake end! Sarah Cox got it wrong! Those cheeky fireworks.
Hah! They thought it ended again!
"Typical hi-energy Euro-pop." - Pete
Lord R: 6/10
Lady R: 6/10
Me: 5/10
Shebeke looks like a nice place, with Sheki Kahn's house. Lovely stained glass and carpets. I'll book a flight.
"It's Steel Panther!" - Lord Rixondale. "It's always funny when you see a random metal band. It doesn't fit in at all."
Is that Stuart Campbell on drums?
"I wonder which member of this band gets the most chicks. I bet it's the singer. Because he looks most like a girl." Says Lord R. confusingly. He's spinning around now. He'll get dizzy! He's got eyeliner though, that's eighties. "I think a man who can confidently wear leather trousers gets respect. No, wait. Bono. Er."
Lord R: 6/10 (Claims Lady R fancies the singer.)
Lady R: 8/10
Me: 5/10 Not silly enough.
Norway.
"Peter Andre! In the house!" Lord R.
"I know if it's wrong or it's right." Sounds a bit sexual predator. Tell that to the courts, guvnor. "It's like I'm losing all control. You know it's making me hot and you know I can't stop. It's like a fire in my soul! I don't know if it's wrong or it's right - but I want you!" Jesus, this is rape.
Fake end! Sarah Cox got it wrong! Those cheeky fireworks.
Hah! They thought it ended again!
"Typical hi-energy Euro-pop." - Pete
Lord R: 6/10
Lady R: 6/10
Me: 5/10
Shebeke looks like a nice place, with Sheki Kahn's house. Lovely stained glass and carpets. I'll book a flight.
Bosnia and Herzogovina.
"Her head looks too hollow and sunken. Too much like Night of Living Dead."
"I think she had some teeth removed from the back."
Not a bad song. Nice violins.
"I can't be bothered with it. Mneerrrr mneeeer. Mneeer mneeer." Lady R.
"This is going to turn into fucking Celine Dion. Panpipes are always shit."
Yeah. It is a bit boring actually. Thought it was going someone, didn't. Now for the usual standing up camera zoom-in-zoom-out-zoom-in blowy hair. Still, violins were good.
Lord R: 2/10
Lady R: 4/10
Me: 4/10
"Her head looks too hollow and sunken. Too much like Night of Living Dead."
"I think she had some teeth removed from the back."
Not a bad song. Nice violins.
"I can't be bothered with it. Mneerrrr mneeeer. Mneeer mneeer." Lady R.
"This is going to turn into fucking Celine Dion. Panpipes are always shit."
Yeah. It is a bit boring actually. Thought it was going someone, didn't. Now for the usual standing up camera zoom-in-zoom-out-zoom-in blowy hair. Still, violins were good.
Lord R: 2/10
Lady R: 4/10
Me: 4/10
What a spangly fold.
Wow the Lithuanian's prop is as literal as a Legs and Co dance routine.
Yep, he looked better with it on.
This is like watching someone from The Apprentice try to "rock out".
Oh no the George Osbourne pod person is back with his two mates.
VOTE GEORGIA
Love is Blind - Donny Martell.
"Wasn't he in New Kids in the Block?" - Lord R. He's wearing blindfold. Presumably because he's going to be taken out and shot by a discerning audience. Maybe he'll rip it off and reveal a tinier blindfold underneat. "This is a lame gimmick," - Lord R. "This sounds like one that would be performed at the end of X-Factor, and Cowell would stand up and clap."
Wait he's dancing! Blindfold off! Boddy popping! This is suddenly gone awesome!
"Ha! He's squinting! Lights must to be bright for squinty." - Lady R.
"Are you sure he's not actually blind?" - Lord R.
"Oh." - Lady R.
Bravura performance. But needs more dancing. Thinks he can coast after mid-dance break. And end. We liked the little scamp.
Lord R: 7/10
Lady R: 6/10
Me: 6/10
Scoring information now. Terrifying dead eyed grin from middle host guy. He looks like Mark Gattis's lovechild. Only that's clearly impossible. OR IS IT? ("Yes," - ed.)
"Wasn't he in New Kids in the Block?" - Lord R. He's wearing blindfold. Presumably because he's going to be taken out and shot by a discerning audience. Maybe he'll rip it off and reveal a tinier blindfold underneat. "This is a lame gimmick," - Lord R. "This sounds like one that would be performed at the end of X-Factor, and Cowell would stand up and clap."
Wait he's dancing! Blindfold off! Boddy popping! This is suddenly gone awesome!
"Ha! He's squinting! Lights must to be bright for squinty." - Lady R.
"Are you sure he's not actually blind?" - Lord R.
"Oh." - Lady R.
Bravura performance. But needs more dancing. Thinks he can coast after mid-dance break. And end. We liked the little scamp.
Lord R: 7/10
Lady R: 6/10
Me: 6/10
Scoring information now. Terrifying dead eyed grin from middle host guy. He looks like Mark Gattis's lovechild. Only that's clearly impossible. OR IS IT? ("Yes," - ed.)
From the roundup we think the Winkle-Picker Shufflers are fab for their silly dance, but yes, Georgia has captured mine and Lord R's hearts. Lady R says Turkey are best. She may be right, but Georgia makes us grin.
Yep, the Dutch girl is out of it.
Hope she gets through though.
Hope she gets through though.
'Interview' with Nederlanders. I think she's a giant. I like her.
Repeat of Azerbaijan footage. Looks quite nice, you can tell it's an oil country, they either look spangy gleaming or have B-52's and cruise missiles soaring above a cratered land.
Fantastic gutsy admission by hosts that no one is listening to the.... oh. Wait. A wacky joke. *Kills self* God this recap is going on forever.
Repeat of Azerbaijan footage. Looks quite nice, you can tell it's an oil country, they either look spangy gleaming or have B-52's and cruise missiles soaring above a cratered land.
Fantastic gutsy admission by hosts that no one is listening to the.... oh. Wait. A wacky joke. *Kills self* God this recap is going on forever.
I'm certainly looking forward to going...just to see the flag pole.
That stadium IS really big. Thanks be to vanity project dictator.
"Past winners! Featuring traditional Azebaijan musical instruments!" Don't know, looks like a load of mixing desks to me. I didn't know a microphone was a traditional Azebaijan instrument. Guy on recorder trying to cramp the style of white suited guy. Doesn't appear plugged in.
"It's Millie Tant," opines Rixondale. I disagree. 'tis Kim Jong Il, back to follow his dream.
Love that incredibly awkward looking guitar thing. Fantastically lame crotch pushing dance from white suit guy in background. And now for violin Swedish guy - Bieberific! "Good evening!" he winks. The little scamp. Rixondale reckons he's Brian Cox.
Flouncy blouse woman looks lovely. But as Rixondale correctly cites, "You don't remember the ones who won it, you only remember the ones that made you laugh." What? Abba? Waterloo? Oh, wait. They're singing other people's famous winners. Everyone loves it, as is just. No, wait. They're massacring it.
"But why aren't they playing Lordy?" demands Rixondale. Good question. WE DEMAND LORDY. "This is dire."
Properly shit.
"Past winners! Featuring traditional Azebaijan musical instruments!" Don't know, looks like a load of mixing desks to me. I didn't know a microphone was a traditional Azebaijan instrument. Guy on recorder trying to cramp the style of white suited guy. Doesn't appear plugged in.
"It's Millie Tant," opines Rixondale. I disagree. 'tis Kim Jong Il, back to follow his dream.
Love that incredibly awkward looking guitar thing. Fantastically lame crotch pushing dance from white suit guy in background. And now for violin Swedish guy - Bieberific! "Good evening!" he winks. The little scamp. Rixondale reckons he's Brian Cox.
Flouncy blouse woman looks lovely. But as Rixondale correctly cites, "You don't remember the ones who won it, you only remember the ones that made you laugh." What? Abba? Waterloo? Oh, wait. They're singing other people's famous winners. Everyone loves it, as is just. No, wait. They're massacring it.
"But why aren't they playing Lordy?" demands Rixondale. Good question. WE DEMAND LORDY. "This is dire."
Properly shit.
That was like the Eurovision version of Avengers Assemble.
Lordi.
The Hump! "He actually looks like Gene Simmons," - Rixondale. "Apparently, he sold 150,000,000 records."
"I don't know why he's doing it really. I guess he's bored," says Lady R, with a touch of pity in her voice. And then he slaps down the Swedish woman who doesn't know him by reminding her of how many records he's sold. Classy.
More talking. This is really boring isn't it? I mean, why do I let people talk me into watching Eurovision. Fuck. I could be shooting people in the face right now.
Ah. Lordi. Thanks, Dimmers.
"I don't know why he's doing it really. I guess he's bored," says Lady R, with a touch of pity in her voice. And then he slaps down the Swedish woman who doesn't know him by reminding her of how many records he's sold. Classy.
More talking. This is really boring isn't it? I mean, why do I let people talk me into watching Eurovision. Fuck. I could be shooting people in the face right now.
Ah. Lordi. Thanks, Dimmers.
Lot of crap going through so far
A travesty and a disgrace
I hope everyone involved gets leprosy
I hope everyone involved gets leprosy
Morte wrote:
A travesty and a disgrace
I hope everyone involved gets leprosy
I hope everyone involved gets leprosy
Yep, that's Eurovision.
Jon Ola Sand is here to pick the most boringest acts! In a protracted manner - excellent! So, we're all rooting for Turkey, Georgia and Nederlands, right?
Lithunia! "Five seconds of goodness and loads of shit," - Rixondale.
Bosnia Herzogevina! Making us suffer further for failing to help more in a brutal and protracted civil war punctuated by ethnic cleansing. But still, c'mon Boz.
Serbia! Surprise. It's going to be all the Balkans again. "WHY DO THEY LIKE SERBIA? THEY TRIED TO KILL THEM!" screams Lord R, before being amused and overjoyed by seeing Steel Panthers top off.
Ukraine! Money talks!
Sweden. More boringness. Crap dancing. Crap song. What. Stop being boring. This is awful.
Macedonia. Surprise. At least Jimmy Sommerville's happy.
Norway. "This is all going wrong." - Lord Rixondale.
Estonia. Blandest thing on Earth. "Oh for fuck's sake! That tedious wanker?! Why can't Europeans get it into their fucking heads that IT'S NOT A SINGING CONTEST. It should be, "Who can entertain you best for three fucking minutes?" and not have any singing," cries Lord Rixondale. Justly.
Malta. Who? Yawn.
Last one. Surely justice must be served with at least one vaguely interesting act? Golden ticket. Stupid tense music. Actually music sounds like from Mass Effect 2. Hmm.
And it's Turkey with their triumphant song of naval posturing. That's something at least? But no tall Nederland Indian headress chick? No Georgian hilarity? Bullshit.
I'm not sure I'll bother with the final with such tedium on offer. Fuck that. Eurovision is so bad, even terrorists wouldn't be caught dead bombing it.
Lithunia! "Five seconds of goodness and loads of shit," - Rixondale.
Bosnia Herzogevina! Making us suffer further for failing to help more in a brutal and protracted civil war punctuated by ethnic cleansing. But still, c'mon Boz.
Serbia! Surprise. It's going to be all the Balkans again. "WHY DO THEY LIKE SERBIA? THEY TRIED TO KILL THEM!" screams Lord R, before being amused and overjoyed by seeing Steel Panthers top off.
Ukraine! Money talks!
Sweden. More boringness. Crap dancing. Crap song. What. Stop being boring. This is awful.
Macedonia. Surprise. At least Jimmy Sommerville's happy.
Norway. "This is all going wrong." - Lord Rixondale.
Estonia. Blandest thing on Earth. "Oh for fuck's sake! That tedious wanker?! Why can't Europeans get it into their fucking heads that IT'S NOT A SINGING CONTEST. It should be, "Who can entertain you best for three fucking minutes?" and not have any singing," cries Lord Rixondale. Justly.
Malta. Who? Yawn.
Last one. Surely justice must be served with at least one vaguely interesting act? Golden ticket. Stupid tense music. Actually music sounds like from Mass Effect 2. Hmm.
And it's Turkey with their triumphant song of naval posturing. That's something at least? But no tall Nederland Indian headress chick? No Georgian hilarity? Bullshit.
I'm not sure I'll bother with the final with such tedium on offer. Fuck that. Eurovision is so bad, even terrorists wouldn't be caught dead bombing it.
Yep, fuck Eurovision and stupid cunt-cube-face judges.
Heh.
We were discussing in the office yesterday that everyone should vote for Greece, just to push them over the edge.
We were discussing in the office yesterday that everyone should vote for Greece, just to push them over the edge.
Curiosity wrote:
Heh.
We were discussing in the office yesterday that everyone should vote for Greece, just to push them over the edge.
We were discussing in the office yesterday that everyone should vote for Greece, just to push them over the edge.
Heh, ace idea.
Eurovision thoughts!
Missed the first twelve songs.
Azerbaijan were pretty good.
Romania were mental and awful. Very Eurovision. Fit girl though.
Denmark are what would happen if you made Sheryl Crow ten times more dull. Boo! Boo!
Missed the first twelve songs.
Azerbaijan were pretty good.
Romania were mental and awful. Very Eurovision. Fit girl though.
Denmark are what would happen if you made Sheryl Crow ten times more dull. Boo! Boo!
Greece. Pretty. And pretty bad, but I've seen worse.
Sweden.
Awful. Bad enough that Grim... would play it when DJing.
Awful. Bad enough that Grim... would play it when DJing.
Turkey are my new favourite. Absolutely hilarious.
Spain: boring.
Germany were okay.
Malta, less so.
Malta, less so.
Great. Finished dinner and put this on just in time to be bombarded with the two second biggest cunts in the world.
Dimrill wrote:
Great. Finished dinner and put this on just in time to be bombarded with the two second biggest cunts in the world.
Dear Lord they sucked.
I think they wanted to, but have to wait to get back to their dressing room.
Jedward were fucking awesome. Them and Greece. And France. Awesome. Honourable mention to Turkey for great use of capes.
Curiosity wrote:
Bad enough that Grim... would play it when DJing.
But not quite bad enough that he'd go and see them play live.
Turkey gets loads of bonus points for the gay vampires turning themselves into a boat. Moldova win the award for best 1970s throwback. Russia gets the 'aw, how cute' prize (baking cakes is a Eurovision first!). Yet however much it pains me to say it, Jedward deserve to win.
In other news, Europe's fucked.
In other news, Europe's fucked.
Just blitzed through all the songs after watching the England match, my prediction for top three
Russia
Sweden
Ireland
Russia
Sweden
Ireland
I keep yelling 'WHEATON!' whenever the Azerbajani host appears on screen.
Trooper wrote:
Just blitzed through all the songs after watching the England match, my prediction for top three
Russia
Sweden
Ireland
Russia
Sweden
Ireland
2 out of 3 ain't bad
