For years I've said that the best local shopping centre to evacuate to during the inevitable zombie outbreak is Telford Shopping Centre. It combines easy to block entrances with a goodly supply of food and essentials to cope with the disaster. Perusing the map reveals 7 or 8 entrances, most of which have vehicular access, to block. An Asda for food (although this is outside of the main mall area and would maybe prove a problem to get to), and loads of other shops for entertainment purposes. The only sticking point would be the lack of a firearms shop to the British government's stupid rules about not let everyone shoot each other dead. Tut. Still, there's a BHS and I'm sure Asda would have a few shovels for to whack zombage with. Failing that, some of the tatty jewellery has some vicious pins on the rear which could be driven into z-brains with sufficient force. Except if they're runny vicious zombies. WHICH THEY WON'T BE. From working nearby, Zippy Barnacle Stickle Mr F J Brick Biscuit Pie Unit Sofa 3:16 has started to scope the place out himself for the same purposes. He's noticed a nice inaccessible walkway which could lead to defensible security offices and so forth. Good fucking oh.

The question remains how to block the entrances. A search on google and google maps reveals a haulage firm in Doseley called Je & R Bates Haulage Ltd (postcode TF4 3BD if you want to google map it yourself), which would prove promising for lorries of sufficient size for the task. Getting there would be the problem. Neither of us own a helicopter, and if we did we couldn't drive/fly it. Bums. Still! There should be sufficient supplies in the shopping centre to get us there, surely. Well, no helicopter or plane shops are there, and a distinct lack of car showrooms or such like. The only possible solution I could think of is harnessing the power of the filthy sky rats and balloon sales people that populate the area. A bit of bread from Asda and a goal net from JJB Sports would sort out the pigeon capture, and assuming the balloon sales people hadn't let go of the balloons while being eviscerated, it wouldn't be that difficult to wrestle them off their reanimated corpses. So we're all set to go.

Zippy Barnacle Stickle Mr F J Brick Biscuit Pie Unit Sofa 3:16 can't drive so that would mean I would have to be the one lowered to the trucks. An artist's rendition of this scenario follows. Once dropped, I'd assume a few well aimed rocks would bring him down to drive back to the shopping centre. A few would hit him in the face, true, but it's a sacrifice he must make.