This past week I have been dreaming constantly of people I have lived and cared for that have died. I get dreams like this occasionally, and usually they are quite comforting in that I get to see that person again, alive and happy, in the way I remember them happiest. I get that short amount of time to spend with them, seeing them happy, free from pain or worry. I think it helps me deal with things.
A few days ago I dreamed of my nan, though. And it was a more creepy dream, and she was dying in the dream, and I was trying to help her stay comfortable. It upset me, and that’s been hanging over me these past few days. I think my being ill is hanging over me, and bringing these dreams to the fore.
Another dream I had of someone I was close to when I was younger, who died young, was lovely. He was just happy. Grown to my age, living a good life. That was far more comforting.
Last night I had a dream that a forumite, who is very much still alive came to visit, by turned up early and brought with him with five or six mates I didn’t know. I’d cooked but they said no, they’d brought fish pizza (I’m very allergic to fish and seafood) but to hurry up as they didn’t want to eat off their knees, can I get the table set up... no, they want bigger plates, I hadn’t brought out enough forks... can I get them drinks... Then I noticed that in all my worry and this stress that I couldn’t see my son. I panicked and couldn’t even think where I last saw him. I ran to the front door, not there, had he got out? I ran through each room then saw the bath full of water. Then it was all slow motion, just lasted forever running to that bath, feeling like I couldn’t breathe. When I finally got there he was ok. I had forgotten that the bath had water in. Why did it? I don’t know. But my Grandad (passed away some years ago), perhaps the most special person I’ll ever have had in my life apart from Russell and Darwin, was there. He was looking after Darwin, washing his hair. He said it was ok, Darwin was fine, he was looking after him and not to let my guests keep bullying me. The relief at seeing he was ok, and to see my healthy, happy Grandad. Then I drifted back to taking care of my ‘guests’ and their demands, tgen the whole panic and finding Darwin with Grandad happened all over a second time. In a way it was lovely seeing Grandad, but it was also different as usually I’m the only person that’s in the dream with the person that has died. It’s just bothering me that Darwin was there. But then I keep thinking of how my grandparents never got to know of Darwin, and maybe it’s my brain just saying t they’d have adored and cared for him. I don’t know. I keep crying this morning now and having gone over it all in my head in the shower it’s made me shake a fair bit. It’s both happy and yet made me feel very strange. I thought it would help to write it down.
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