Be Excellent To Each Other

Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!

Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

Johnny, on his deathbed requested his wife: “When I am no more, please marry Watson, I implore you.”

Wife: “That Watson? But you have always hated him from your heart.”

Johnny: “I still do.” And fell dead.

Oh, crap. This has to be done by 1pm!

Hence I am looking

What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch?
Chicken Spocks!

Joe was a house keeper who had this habit of drinking from his boss’s liquor bottle and replacing it with water. The boss, James, did suspect him but tolerated it for a while. But when this became a daily routine, James decided to do something to trap Joe.

Accordingly, James replaced his drink with a French wine which changed color when water was added to it. Joe, not aware of the trap, took a few swigs and added water as usual. The wine changed color from red to milky white. Joe realized he was in for trouble but was determined to get out of it.

James told his wife about Joe’s misdoings and that he would make Joe accept his follies. So he shouted: “Joe? “

Joe answered from the kitchen: “Yes boss?”

James: “Who drank my wine and added water in the bottle?” There was no answer from the kitchen. The boss repeated the question, still no answer. The angry boss marched to the kitchen and threatened Joe, “What the hell is going on? When I call your name you respond with ‘Yes Boss’ and when I ask you a question, you remain silent. What impertinence?”

Joe said: “It is like this. In the kitchen, you can hear only your name being called. You don’t hear anything else that is said, I swear.”

James: “How is that possible? All right, I will prove you wrong. You stay right here in the hall with Madam, I will go to the kitchen and you ask me a question, OK?” So the boss went to the kitchen.

Joe shouted: “Boss?”

Boss: “Yes Joe?"

Joe: “Who becomes intimate with the maid in Madam’s absence?”

Silence - no reply.

Joe again: “Who made the maid pregnant?”

No reply.

Joe, yet again: “And who arranged for her abortion?”

James came running from the kitchen and said: “By George, you are right. When one is in kitchen, one can’t hear anything but one’s name. That’s strange!”

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are two".

Two employees for the gas company were at a house call. The younger man said to the older one, "Geez, you're old!"

"Yeah, that may be so, but I can still outrun you," replied the older employee.

"How about a foot race to see if you're right," said the younger employee.

With that they start running at full speed around that block. The older man kept up with the younger man around the first corner, the second corner, the third corner. As they come up on the last corner, the younger man sees an elderly woman running as fast as her legs could carry her. Puzzled by this, they both stop ask her why she was running behind them. The old woman caught her breath and said, "Well, you were at my home checking my gas meter, and when I saw you running away, I figured I'd better run too!"

A duck walks into a pub and asks for a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. "That's amazing!" says the landlord of the pub "You're a duck!". The duck shrugs, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. The next day he comes back in and orders the same thing. "You're a talking duck!" says the Landlord. "Yes, yes, I'm working at the building site over the road" replies the duck.

This goes on for two weeks, every day at five past twelve the duck appears, has his lunch and leaves. At the ebginning of the third week, the circus comes to town. The Ringmaster is in the pub, chatting with the landlord, who was enver one for holding back. "There's an amazing talking duck comes in here every lunchtime" he says. The Ringmaster's eeys widen in amazement. "A talking duck? I'd earn millions from that, I must meet him!". The landlorrd says he'll sort it and the Ringmaster leaves.

At five past twelve, the duck apepars, orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The landlord says "The man that runs the circus that is in town wants to meet you". The duck looks puzzled. "Circus?" he says, warily. "Yes, says the landlord, THE circus". "Circus." Repeats the duck "Big tent, made of canvas?". "Yes!" shouts the landlord. The look of confusion deepens on the duck's face. "What the fuck do they want with a plasterer?"

In case I go.

I like that one...

I'll stick it up, and if people want something else tehy can post after it, to nullify it and post the chosen one isntead, yeah?

Well done Mali...

We need to get rid of one of them before they decide on us..

Who shall we boot?

let's get rid of bobby

was going to say him or curio...

Boss you there?

Hello!

I would say Jasmine