Be Excellent To Each Other

Romania: This is charmingly middle of the road, in a good way. And one the guitarists looks like a slightly younger Frank Turner. Those mannequins are going to haunt my dreams tonight however.

Serbia: Quite Karl Jenkinsesque, meaning it'll have an afterlife on Classic FM someday, mark my words. I could chill to this after a session. I want to wire the flautist up to a Van de Graaf generator, just because.

San Marino: Robots!

Could be a good defiance against the world power ballad, were it any heavier, but doesn't quite pull it off. Yet boppy and fun in its own little way.

And then they go and spoil it all with the rap bit from 'Wannabe'.

Denmark: Jesus had an awkward goth phase too.

This should be far louder than the levels they've set this at. I want anger, passion, fear, fireworks. Instead it's bear night at the cheese club.

Russia: I was almost as bored by this as the singer was.

Moldova: Everything about this - the tune, the lyrics, the staging, the costumes - is utterly ludicrous. I fucking loved it.

Quite like the guy in blue, but he's not Ryan, is he?

The Netherlands: Love me some country. I'm picturing driving through the deserts of Utah with this on the speakers and the wind in my hair.
The dancers are listening to something utterly different, however.

Australia: I have nothing. Move along please.

Georgia: Smoke machine and drippy fireworks. The harmony was passable.

Poland: Worst wedding band ever.

Malta: The back projections were suitably moody, and the tune has just the right amount of Europppy beat to it. Fireworks and a dancer materialising for the bridge complete a decent Eurovision set.

Hungary: After this set, he has to defeat the next evil ex.

This is what the Danes should have been aiming for. In my top five.

Latvia: Slow it down and have a slight hint of nicotine stains in your vocals and you might have something here.

Sweden: The simplistic staging is wonderfully retro-futuristic. Simple but effective, and adds to the disco feel of this track. Find his voice to be annoyingly too high, or did they just hit the wrong switch on the ol' Autotune?

Montenegro: That's a suit even Elton John would be ashamed to wear. I don't know what he's saying, but given the look in his eyes it must be pretty sad. I think he wants a cuddle .

Slovenia: Loved the opening. Unexpected blacking. Quite like the flow of the music. She sounds happier than the previous chap too. Oh, audience participation... That broke up the flow slightly.

Ukraine: That entry is a Spinal-Tap reference waiting to happen. It's also the only good thing about the entire performance. I prefer the Danish gothbears to these Twilight nerds.

Well, that wasn't as consistently enjoyable as Tuesday's. But the ones I'd put through are (in no particular order):

Slovenia; Hungary; Malta; the Netherlands; and, of course Moldova.

Honourable mentions to Romania, Serbia, and San Marino.

Agreed. I want Viking berserker rage.

Denmark was Enya meets Bathory. Loved it.

It's my favourite.

Sad that the Latvian sexy lady with a probably made up italian name didn't go through.

The song it's about a pacifist viking. They could only add ironic rage.

It's on

Watching with the kids

Slovenia early leaders imo with Lithuania and Austria in joint second.

Norway just hit it out of the park!

Norway tied first now

Denmark is winning, UK and Australia second, Norway and Slovenia in 4th

UK lady dealt with dickhead perfectly I felt

Denmark is the Macdonald winner

Moldova

Really? It was a bit insipid. I'm in a bar that's wall to wall Danes and not even they were that impressed.

Bulgaria got the same points, but that's because my daughter gave it 10.

At least it proved that the British lady wasn't miming.

Here we go again folks!

Annoyingly away on Saturday, so it's Eurosemi time!

The opening act is giving me a migraine.

Cyprus -

Not so keen on the PVC dominatrix look, and the backing dancers are like a shit Jacko tribute band but the song itself is pretty decent. Could be quite the Euro-disco summer beat (as I would know, based on the number of times I've been to Ibiza).

Montenegro : I've had commutes on wet mornings on the A34 where I've had more interest in the journey and destination.

I don't think I can take any group who are wearing tablecloths seriously.

Finland:
Beat and synths are great. Just feel the chorus needs more power. Otherwise, a respectable piece.

Very high black leather boots are in this season.

Poland: costumes designed by someone given the brief to create something for a mystical-but-matriarchal planet in a 1970s 'Doctor Who'. Probably.

Disappointing lack of audience participation at key points.

Slovenia:

Bugger me, they're young. I feel awkward.

I'm getting quite misty-eyed, despite speaking not a word of Slovenian. This might do well.

PS: ankle length white trousers and large white trainers are not a good look. This is an official Kern Fashion Advisory.

['Czechia' - Ed.]:

"Hey everyone, let's pretend to be a really annoying group of sixth-formers in a band and do things like having the singer prance around or the drummer take each hit with glee. People will love us for our sense of irony. Oh, and lets all wear primary coloured jumpers too".

Seriously, fuck that act.

Hungary:

I really liked this. Not too slow, nice unfussy orchestrations, pleasing fireworks, and a pretty good voice.

Let's pretend the giant rising head thing never happened.

Belarus:

Minsk's foremost Doctor Who impersonator and some breakdancers. More high boots, but white this time.

Serbia:

The sexier, edgier reboot of the Scottish Widows ad.

She's a good singer, but she's being let down by the orchestration. This needs proper power chords. And dragons. And some sense of urgency. This could be a great metal piece, but it's not. It just never takes off.

Belgium:

Love the big drums and the effort the drummers are making. Not so sure on the singer however. No passion in the voice or the choreography. I think this is the first time a Eurovision nation's ever entered a robot.

Georgia:

I think the techs have accidentally cued up the Windows 10 log-on screen for the visuals.

I'm also slightly bored, and not even the fire or the monotone backing vocals is making me give a toss. Still, at least it's not the Czech entry.

Australia:

Disney cosplay on stilts.

The dance beat is really incongruous with everything else. The song just seems a mix of different and disparate elements, with no real underlying theme or purpose.

I'll be kind. The physicality of the dancers is really impressive. Even if they end up looking like giant corndogs.

Iceland:

Last time I watched something like this, I kept on getting the buffering symbol at key points.

No need to feel bad about being away on Saturday. For sheer showmanship, ladies and gentleman, Iceland have won Eurovision. All the Eurovisions.

Estonia:

This is great pop. He's clearly enjoying himself, and for once the arrangement fits the song well.
Oh, I'd totally be singing along to this on a motorway in high summer.