Be Excellent To Each Other

Russia into second. (I don't think I've heard a Russian woman rap before)

Russia:

That's one hell of a dress.
She moves like a dalek.

She comes out of the dress. It was a dalek shell.

Flames!
Animated horses!
Uplifting messages!
Uplifting messages coming from a dalek.

Seriously, that headless dress is freaking me out.

Um? No idea. Perhaps a very slow-mo Netta?

Russian woman gliding around the stage was terrifying. Also she appears to be a red Rosie the Riveter

I didn't know Lizzo was from Malta

She was standing on a Roomba.

Malta

Migraine-inducing colour scheme. Not suitable for hangover viewing.

But the dancing is joyous, everyone's having fun, the tune's catchy and, god damn it this is 100% bottled Eurovision.

And there's a flame curtain!

The Maltese entry is great. She has a great voice.

Malta are fun as hell but the way the backup dancers' outfits are cut means they appear to have no belly buttons and as such are clearly clones

Portugal:

Monochrome! Suits and hats! 4:3 ratio! This is a good start.

Ooo.. the melancoly.

And now we're in colour. Widescreen even.

This guy is Billy Joel in disguise. Called t!

ooo... animations... with lamposts.

Still melancoly. Love it.

Flamigos are so 2020.

Guy, who did the Portuguese singer sound like? I can’t quite think of who it is and it’s really bothering me.

Axel rose? Or a knock off James bond theme singer?

Serbia were rejected by Poundland in their bid to be a knock-off Destiny's child

Serbia:

Good to see Ginger Spice has found new friends.

Later career Billy Joel. Middle of Greatest Hits 3.

Hmm, no I think it was someone more recent. I can’t quite get it. Oh well, never mind.

I’m glad Graham mentioned one of the early singers looking like Carol Vorderman though, as I’d said that to Russell.

Loco moco is rice, a burger patty, a fried egg, and gravy.

This guy is flogging cheap cuts of meat out of a van at the local market.

United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:

Massive trumpets. Hello Dr Freud!

Great backing vocals.

He can summon fireworks just by saying "light up the room!". He should use that power wisely.

Feel it could be a few BPM faster, especially for "out of the embers" . Pretty respectable entry this year. Go go left hand of the screen.

Well, half way up the right of the board at best for the UK

Amanda Holden's younger sister's companions don't know how to use green screens properly

ALSO NO BELLY BUTTON. Clones!

Greece:

She's very sparkly..

Oooo... 1970s bad Doctor Who special effects. But quite charming in its way.

She's singing really well but the song just isn't doing it for me. Disappointing.

Where do you think women’s belly buttons are, Cras?

Okay admittedly hers isn't quite cut low enough for that but it's still extremely suspicious!

God bless the Swiss guy for the worst fitting pair of trousers I’ve ever seen on a human being.

OK I adore the Swiss guy. He should win.

Switzerland:

Jimmy Carr's greaser nephew.

He's performing on a real-life 1970s prog rock cover.

Now I'm getting 1980s alternative magician vibes. He'll produce a rose in a sec. Wait for it it....


Or at least some knotted flags. Come on, don't disappoint.

Oh, he's gone back to the album cover again.

Nope, the magician.

I don't think we're going to be friends. Sorry. Live your best life.

I think that's my worse one so far

Iceland are my people.

They should win.

Skinny white guy just turned into Barry White.

ICELAND

This is amazing

Iceland:

That's one heck of a sillouhette.

That shade of teal they're wearing plus the fancy collars makes me think of cub scouts. Sorry.

And if you're going to do a Eurobeat Kraftwek style tribute, you need to be moving in time. Yes, I know I'm in no position to criticise on this....

Ok, the keyboard circle is cool. But no amount of eight-bit backgrounds and floating unicorns can save the fact that this is just a bit dull.

That’s my favourite thing ever. That’s what goes on in my head 24/7. Ah. That’s the best.

Spinny keyboards!

The keyboard circle was the icing on the cake

That link up, for ULTIMATE KEYBOARD POWAH!

It was perfect.

Spain

Oh, hello. Do you come here often?

Heavy smoke machine action.

Great voice.

He seems unfazed by the fucking moon about to drop on him.

This was a lovely performance. And is he free later?

Enrique was a let down

Sam and the womp representing Moldova. I wondered what happened to them

Moldova has very serious crazy eyes

Moldova

Haven't we seen you already?

Didn't spot the third dancer. Or the forth.

Getting serious BDSM vibes from these boys. Or is it Matrix?

No. It's the casting call for the sexy-but-gritty regeneration of Herr Flick.

Song? Oh, I got bored of that ages ago. Probably played on Heart every hour.

Come over lover, if you never want to be seen again

Just spilt beer on my sofa. BRB

“Well this is Marmite.

...If everyone hated Marmite”

is my favourite quip ever.

Lazytown/wiggles crossover for Germany. But I quite like it