Be Excellent To Each Other

ACK!

Apparently, no-one has been able to login since about 10am. Of course, no-one felt that this was a big enough problem to bother me with. Grrr.

Everyone's been posting fine, man..?

In the real, world dude. The bright, cold, real world.

*closes blinds*

But this is the real world. This forum is the real world.





Isn't it?

It has been reported that some victims of trauma would retreat into a fantasy world from which they could not WAKE UP. In this catatonic state, the victim lived in a world just like their normal one, except they weren’t being hurt. The only way that they realized they needed to WAKE UP was a note they found in their fantasy world. It would tell them about their condition, and tell them to WAKE UP. Even then, it would often take months until they were ready to discard their fantasy world and PLEASE WAKE UP.

Bicester Wetherspoons is filled with 40+ year old women with to much slap on gazing mournfully into glasses of white wine whilst clutching flowers they have undoubtably purchased themselves. Hope MrsA arrives soon.

Is Bicester where jilted brides go to die?

Easier to pick them up when you have a woman with you so it looks like you're already taken?

It's pretty cold in Sweden at the moment. About -20.

Come on, you can't say that look isn't absurd. "oooh, a little black line on my chuff. That doesn't look stupid or anything." Please.





I said I've heard her name! That's better than my usual (see recent work people asking "cheryl cole or sarah harding?" in the pub. Apparently this is something normal people are supposed to care about, but whatevs). I'm guessing she's from some rubbish soap or girl band or page 3 or something, but I dunno. At least I'm asking, right?




You went to lovely Stratford and the only story is about toilets?

Did you see a ginger actress person in Shakespeare's garden? I used to quite fancy her when I worked there, even though she was an actress and therefore irrevocably insane. Oh, and did you go into the Christmas shop on Henley street? It's christmas there all day, every day, forever. Nightmarish.

I miss stratford.

There's loads of such shops in Germany. Always very odd to wander in on a hot summer's afternoon and be surrounded by wall-to-wall Christmas tat.

One of my favourite things in the world was to go in there and say "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" to the staff until they started to cry.

Womens, such as Kelly Brook there, wear bikini bottoms from time to time and, I gather, it's not the done thing to have stray pubes hanging out of them.

Hence: the brazillian. (That is what it is, right? I'm not getting my pubic styling terminology confused again, am I?)

As an engineer, my suggestion to her would be to cultivate a "℄" pubic logo directly below that rather bold vertical line. This would then denote a centreline, in engineering drawing terms.

Landing strip, chap.

Brazilian is a method, isn't it? That's just a landing strip.

The only people who wish it wasn't Christmas every day.

I assume this discussion is exactly the response Ms Brook envisaged when she put her fanny on display to the world.

Ah, apologies. I'm not an expert in pubic topiary.

It's the top of her arsehole exclamation mark.

I thought she was simply a devotee of Apple Inc. - her iVadge (hopefully nano).

Oh incidentally, I think this is an example of what Nemmie described the other day as the 'far from mature outlook of this forum'.

Lawks, arf arf! etc. Anyone for a sherbert dipper and quarter of floral gums?

I can't think of anything that defines mature like pubic hair, chap

She's just trying to make people forget that she helped plug Deathtrap Dungeon on the PS1.

Google shows you are correct. I award you one internet point.

So's your face.

Also, congratulations Mali. Also unlucky about telling us about it, as we're now duty bound to pester you with all of our citizen-y questions.

I've had my first "argh revolution in Egypt has affected my studies help" email today. Bless. The temptation to reply with "Well, you've only yourselves to blame" is distressingly powerful.

That is as maybe, but you smell of wee-wee and my dad is harder than your dad. In addition, my conker is a twelve-er.

(Anyway, Mark already has the trademark on that particular riposte mate; I'd suggest not mentioning the aesthetic shortcomings of Nissan Micras or the Honda Jazz in his general direction. )

Congrats Mali, btw.

Maturity!

MaliA smells of wee.

Congratulations maturity!

It's just this minute dawned on me after all these years of having it on my CV that I don't actually know how to use EXCEL to any level other than the absolute bare minimum. I was genuinely surprised, but that surprise soon turned to frustration and anger. I'M TOO OLD TO LEARN NEW THINGS!

I know absolutely nothing about excel aside from the very basic things that any of us could figure out by pissing around with it for twenty minutes. It's absurd, but while almost every job I've done has specified that it's needed, I just haven't needed to use it, ever. The closest I've come is generating reports from a database in excel format, but when I do that it's basically just opening the files in excel, and maybe a little cutting and pasting.

The trouble with excel is that it seems to me that the exertise is in pissing about with formulae, which aren't something you can just pick up as and when you need them like most software is.

I have about six database/catalogue programmes on my CV, as well as the usual 'office' stuff, but I know bugger all about excel. Ridiculous, really. Polish Girl is reading through an excel textbook and says I should, too. But I'm shit at studying

Never really thought about it, but true. I now use Excel to perform queries on store orders, and export that data into databases and Crystal Reports, but I'll be buggered if I know a lot of what's going on.

Although Autofilter is all kinds of ace.

I'm very much the same but I've managed. At my last place, a few people thought I was an expert!

What I was actually an expert at was using Google, reading up on how to do something, then passing on that information.

Oh, there's that brilliant XKCD chart about how most of what IT people do is guessing at clicking the menus or Googling for the error message.

I outsmarted my manager by applying a registry fix to a laptop to make it auto-logon. How did I do it? Microsoft Support site.

Nope it is a very sensible topic. Someone with your considerable life experience should know that.

I don't think you should be eating sweets like that, they will get under your falsies.

I'd maintain there's no more important IT skill than being able to find stuff out.

I'd put that at number 2.
Number 1? Looking busy.

I have a friend on msn who is utterly convinced that I'm the fountain of all wisdom, he messages me on and off when he gets "stuck" with questions from the inane to the obscure - I haven't the heart to tell him I've just been googling shit for the last 10 years.

No. The ability to look busy is more important as well as the ability to wangle yourself a desk the furthest away from any entrance with a screen facing the wall so nobody can see what you are doing.

Oh, that reminds me of the old favourite office routine.

"There's something wrong with a computer, eh? Right, I'll have a look at it."

"OH MY GOD DO NOT DO THAT CALL IT CALL IT OH GOD YOU'LL KILL US ALL"

"Right, fixed it. What did you say?"

"CALL IT YOU SHOULD CALL IT DON'T TOUCH IT"

"But I've fixed it. Look. It's working. It was nothing."

"WE SHOULOD CALL IT" (faints)


Every time. Of course, had IT been called, they'd have taken a month to get there and would have done exactly what I did, only their respect for everyone in the office would have dropped slightly.

Also - never, ever, let on that you might know something about computers. Better pass even the simplest question over to the helpdesk rather than run of the risk of never getting any work done because everyone comes to you as 'the computer guy' for a 'just a quick question'.

It really is incredible to think for a moment about the sheer wealth of information circulated online for free by generous nerds, who do so just because somebody, some complete stranger, asked. Okay, before the internet really took over everything, it was still possible to get by with computers quite well just by understanding roughly how they work - not even in hardware or programming terms, but just in terms of basic logic and what error messages might mean, and that kind of thing. Combining that with, basically, habitually pissing about to see what everything does, and you'd get by most of the time. Since the rise of the internet though, you can type in even the most obscure of problems into a search engine and have an answer in minutes. It's amazing.

If you work in a public place, this goes tenfold. I enjoyed being the PC person in libraries sometimes, and it helps boff up the CV, but jesus, it got annoying sometimes.

Sounds like morning sickness.

You pregnancy causing skills have clearly backfired.

Happy 29th Kern!

HBK!

(He's the main event!)

Google's CR-48 computer.

http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/a ... top/71060/

Odd bit of writing that, I enjoyed it anyway.

Happy KernDay!