Be Excellent To Each Other

I am going to try and make it through seven days in GTA IV as a good, decent, law abiding citizen.

It's quite simple. Try and obey the law in a city constantly provoking you to break it.

The rules:

I've decided (somewhat contrary to actual NYC law but in keeping with most of the rest of North America) that you are allowed to make a right turn on a red light, provided you give way to pedestrians.
As there's no speedometer, I will drive at a reasonable speed, more or less keeping pace with the traffic around me.
There's no such crime as 'leaving the scene of an accident' unless the cops get involved, in which case I have to bend over and take my medicine.
AI cars which randomly bump me at traffic lights don't count either.
MaliA-style filtering while on the bike is perfectly fine.
I have to go about a normal life. I can't just sit in my apartment watching TV, and my phone can't be silenced EXCEPT when returning home at the end of the day.
No 'skip to destination' in taxis or subways.

DAY 1

The day begins, inexplicably, at 3:00am as that's when my last save was that's when Niko woke up. I decide to go over to the airport parking lot and watch the sun come up. I go outside and get on the bike. Alas, stopping for every red light slows you down, and I rush a bit on the highway and lightly clip someone's car while filtering. I finally reach the parking lot at about 6:00am, drive up to the roof and realize that the EL station blocks my view, as does the terminal building. Not that it matters, the sun is already just peeking over the top of the terminal building. My cell phone buzzes in my pocket. It's Stevie, who wants me to steal another car for him. He might have to wait a while for that.

At 07:30am I decide to go for some breakfast, and head to the Burger Shot just down the shore. I miss my exit and, unable to make an illegal u-turn, have to continue on to just before the Algonquin Bridge before being able to turn back.

I stop up, and give the bikers (who use this as a hangout) a wide berth. After breakfast, it's 10:00am so I decided to go over to the internet cafe to see that frumpy woman who has a crush on me.

Just as I arrive, Brucie calls and demands we go for a ride in his speedboat. Fair enough, off I go. Alas, he's down in that industrial area and so I'm a bit pressed for time. In my haste, I park up and run across the road against the red hand. A taxi honks angrily.

By the time our little cruise to Pier 45 is done, it's almost 2:00pm. Brucie has kindly left his Range Rover for me, so I go back to his loft and collect my bike. I'm only on it for 30 seconds when Dwayne calls, so I quickly pull over and answer. He wants to go to the strip club. Well, okay, but he's all the way up in North Holland, and I'm down here in Broker. I doubt I'll make it, but decide to try. Union Drive will be quickest, I reason, so I head across the Broker Bridge.

In spite of several driver's best attempts to run into the side of me, I reach Dwayne without incident. He complains that I'm late. Well, it is after five by the time I drove across half the city. Dwayne produces a helmet from nowhere and we head off for the Triangle Club in Bohan. I narrowly avoid a clip of a guardrail but that's all. Time for a lapdance!

My face ground at by some trailer trash's sweating buttocks, I drop Dwayne off at home and head back to my apartment. It's just after midnight when I step out of the elevator and climb straight into bed. So far, so good.


Crimes today:
Car accident (1)
Jaywalking (1)

Crimes total:
Car accident (1)
Jaywalking (1)

You are the wind beneath my wings.

I read this post and then didn't comment and I feel bad about that so just to let you know- as soon as I read this I grinned and thought about how much I enjoyed Sheelagh's diary. My immediate reaction to this then was that I can't wait until you've played your next day! You make me look at games through different eyes which is awesome. This post sounds a bit gushing and fawning. Sorry about that. Dick.

Awesome, although I think visiting a lap dancing club counts as the crime of "degrading women".

How he remembers all the details (unless he's taking seriously long notes) is quite remarkable. It's like opening a story book

Or you could look at it as supporting single mothers !

Knowing Steve, he barely put $5 down her g-string... that's hardly supporting!

It's worth pointing out this isn't an original idea, and it's something I forgot to make clear in the initial post. Someone in PC Gamer did it recently, but much more brief (half a page's worth, and mostly for the comedy of how he snapped and went on a rampage)





I'll be doing a second Fallout 3 diary, about an evil character, as I still have several DLC to play through. And I know for damned certain there'll be one for Fallout: New Vegas, starring Sheelagh's cousin Sophie.



*twitches*



I had the second lapdance too when she gets a bit touchy, actually. I was afraid of burning real-life dinner so didn't stay for the third lez-em-up dance.

He might have helped hold up her breasticles though.

You're a brave, brave man, Meaty. Considering it's a frustrating old game when you do get to steal stuff and blow things up, I wish you the best luck in the world.

Awesome! I've always been interested in doing this kind of thing. I shall watch with interest.

Is the new GTA worth having chums? I don't hear much chatter about it?

After the joyousness of San Andreas, I found it to be fucking atrocious. Niko handles like Lara Croft with a hippo on her head. And as for all those fucking phone calls, oh lordy, let's just say you'll wish quite, quite hideous things on your hapless cousin.

I'll leave alone then.

On the upside I now own Forza Racing Thing 7 and will be installing it soon.

The new one isn't actually new per se, it is an extension (or two extensions really) of GTA4. I haven't played it because I've fallen out of love with GTA4, but I did used to love it. You might really enjoy it, some on here do, but the criticisms of the controls and general "feel" of it are sadly accurate

Chinny, there's not much chatter about it because it's nearly two years old. If you do a search you'll find a massive thread about it.

Some of us love it and some of us don't. You can buy it for about a tenner now, so make up your own mind.

Excellent work! It can't be easy to do this. Next week I might try and achieve Prestige on MW2 without firing a shot.

Car accidents aren't a crime unless you crash deliberately, really. Otherwise, top work.

I'd say it was worth having. Very cheap these days, and as it was a big seller, there are copies everywhere. I enjoyed playing through it, but once I completed the main quest I barely touched it. Well, apart from almost naked man stabby stabby fights.

I quite enjoyed it. But then I got stuck, so fuck it. See also Dead Rising, Mirror's Edge...

Day 2 (Saturday)

Niko wakes up at quarter past six, and I decided to go on a helicopter tour of the city. I hop on the K train down to City Hall, and then get a taxi to the heliport. I grab a hotdog from a vendor and then amble on down for a tour.

My pilot is 'Vicky' and preemptively refuses to answer any questions about his name. A pleasant tour of Hove Beach and Firefly Island follows, with Vicky's tortured past in Vietnam only showing through a bit.

By the time I get back it's almost 20 to three! Where has the day gone? Oh yeah, spent travelling the slow way. Oh well. I decide I'll take one of my girlfriends out, and jump in a cab to my other apartment on Albany Ave. There's a subway station nearby but since the city 'rationalized' the trains, there's no train that runs all the way up the east side any more.

"Fucking women, we should take back the vote." grumbles my cabbie as we pick our way through traffic. "I've had it with chicks. Lap dancing, that's all they're good for."

We roll past the UN building and we suddenly stop short. "I bet that's a fucking woman!," shouts the driver at the car in front. "My wife, she was a..." he starts, before I cut him off with thanks as we've arrived outside my apartment. It's 18:05 already!

Since I've got my Aston Martin parked outside, I decide to take it to impress Carmen. I arrive at her house in Bohan late but without incident. Carmen doesn't complain, and is impressed by the car. I decide we'll go to an expensive bar for the evening, Jerkov's, which is just down the road from my second apartment. A guy in a pimped up Impala driving far too slowly tests my patience, while a guy in a red Taurus wagon just completely ignores a red light and I narrowly avoid him. Parking the car back at the apartment, it's started raining so I get a passing taxi to take us down to the bar.

We go in at half past ten. It's half past eleven when we stumble out, having somehow spent a hundred bucks on overpriced (but surprisingly strong) cocktails in an hour. We come out of the bar and I immediately trip over my own feet and fall on my face. Carmen turns to look and trips over my splayed legs and lands on top of me. She complains that she's drunk, and she has to be in work soon! I remember to wait for the white man before crossing, and manage to secure us a taxi back to her place.

Everything is a blur, but I feel the need to have a piss so ask the driver to hurry up. The blurs move faster. There's a sudden jolt. Carmen sits back and complains that she's drunk and he's crashing the taxi??

At long last we arrive at Carmen's apartment, and decide we might both enjoy it if I came inside.

Crimes today:
none!

Crimes total:
Car accident (1)
Jaywalking (1)

Day 3

It's 2am when I emerge from Carmen's. Now, there's a confident swagger a man can have, and there's two ways he can get it. Firstly, he's carrying a gun. Secondly, he's just gotten some. I'm both, and things are great. I do need some sleep, though, so I hunt for a taxi. No sign of one, so I call Roman's car service. My old friend Mohammed arrives as he always does, knocking over some garbage cans.

"Hello you free-riding doglover. GET IN!"

I decide to go back to my second apartment.

"Piss balls!"

Carmen hadn't been too impressed with my jacket, so I figure I'll go get a new one tomorrow, and the fashionable shops are nearer the other apartment.

One hell of a ride later and it's only 3am when I finally climb into bed. 10am I decide to go shopping, and hop into the Maybach to go and buy some new threads.

Downtown, I park and thoughtlessly open my door into the path of a passing minivan. Whoops.

I spend an hour in Perseus trying on suits and ignoring the cutting remarks from a salesman who thinks he's Gok fucking Wan. I emerge, $2200 lighter, in a handmade suit and some nice brown wingtips. Alas, my car is sill dirty so I decide to take it to be washed.

A quick trip up Union Drive West and my car is scrubbed to perfection. In this condition, I know someone who's guaranteed to be impressed: Alex Chilton.

I call her on handsfree while driving over. It's early yet (just after five) and I'm only taking her around the corner but I know she'll be impressed with the sheer ostentatious nature of turning up in a car worth $400 grand to just drive around the block.

A cunning use of the street that cuts across Middle Park and I reach Alex in plenty of time. Sure enough, everything works as planned. She loves the car and my new suit, though saying that my ass is giving hers a run for its money in the suit pants is a bit worrying.

We drive around the block and have dinner in the ridiculously overhyped Super Star Cafe Bar. After dinner, my splashing of cash has got Alex's vag suitably frothing and we drive back to her penthouse.

I emerge, smoothing the wrinkles and checking for stains to my new suit, and note it's only just before 8pm. Niko, you work fast. I respect that.

Alas, in my hurry to get back to my apartment I try to rush a yellow light and it goes red on me. Damn. Too late to stop, I carry on through. Back at the other apartment, I park the car and get changed. I think I've had enough for what has been almost a continuous day since yesterday, and change into some comfy clothes: puffy jacket, trackpants and sneakers.

Outside on the street, an obnoxious looking student type with a teardrop bag tries to barge past me but stumbles and clangs against the support pole for a scaffolding on the side of a building. "Stupid asshole!" goes his whiny voice as he tumbles to the sidewalk. I ignore him, as that's more irritating, especially as he knows it's all his fault. He picks himself back up and answers his phone.

"Hey, didja see the vidjo I sentcha?" he squeaks. I think of the arsenal of weapons in my pockets but resist. The subway entrance separates me from this provoking fool. A quick subway ride later and I'm just two blocks from home. As I pass through the turnstiles (remembering not to hop them) a bum asks me for money. Figuring if I can blow two grand on clothing and even more just to get some pretentious pusseh, I give him a whole ten dollars.

Up ahead, a woman with a ridiculous bubblebutt answers her cell.

"Hey boo, whas' poppin'? Y'all betta not be wit 'cho bitch on de side aginn!"

Another dude walks past on a handsfree kit.

"True. *pause* I can't find the C drive!"

I chuckle to myself and emerge onto the street. It's raining cats and dogs. Hiding under an awning, I spot an unoccupied cab across the street and dash across. I only realize as I run that the white man is showing. That was almost another naughty. The driver agrees to take me the short jaunt home.

"Here we are," he says, punting a fire plug off the sidewalk and releasing a torrent of water. Not my fault! It's 20 past midnight as I slump gratefully into bed.

Crimes today:
Car accident (1)
Ran red light (1)

Crimes total:
Car accident (2)
Jaywalking (1)
Ran red light (1)

OBSERVATIONS THUS FAR:
-the traffic AI is really strange. On the one hand, people will stop to let someone turning left have priority where they shouldn't, but on the other they don't see your car as legitimately stopped in a line at a red light and will try and overtake you.
-the AI ignores red lights, though this often seems to be at complex junctions where they haven't been programmed in properly.
-honking your horn causes people to drop their coffee in alarm.
-without right turns on red I'd never get anywhere.
-I think DMA ran out of time to make turnstile hopping a crime (it's very common in NYC) hence you being charged as soon as you disembark from the train rather than when you swipe out at a turnstile. Props for programming in the 'hop' animation, at least.

I'm enjoying this man. As a man with no impulse control with games like this, I admire your restraint.

Your making me want to buy it again and play it.

I'm glad people are enjoying it, I was expecting 'wtf, dude get a life' comments.

Next adventure will likely be Tuesday (we're off to That London this weekend)

Isn't "carrying an illegal firearm" a crime?

Can you do this for a month instead of a week? Ta.

The only thing that concerns me is this....




You yank.. You utter, utter yank...

Of course he is, being the American that he undoubtedly is.

yep, 100% pure bred yankee

I wondered if someone would ask this.

I put it down to one of the vagaries of the game's design. Realistically, yes, it is, especially in the fiction of the story where all private firearm ownership is banned, hence the three gunshops being clandestine. However, Niko is able to carry a knife, Desert Eagle, MP10, Remmington Shotgun, M4, PSG-1 and RPG 7 as well as grenades and ammuntion without his body succumbing to the sheer weight of it all.

Since I can't dispose of all this equipment, I'm going to have to put it down to the fact that I haven't actually used any of it (or even drawn it in anger) yet. This is, after all, a game where you can get away with pretty much anything so long as no-one sees you. I appreciate I'm tracking stuff that isn't considered a crime in this game like jaywalking and speeding.

If and when I need to use one of my weapons, I'll bear all that in mind for my crime tally. But for now, I'm just ignoring that as well as ignoring the fact that Niko is an illegal immigrant, his apartment was acquired by murder, his cars and bikes (except the Lamborghini) are stolen too. Just pretend the UC Paper guy quietly legitimized it all if it makes you feel better.



No, fuck off. A day takes about an hour in real time, never mind typing it up afterwards.



Huh? It's a game set in the US, I'm trying to call the cars by their real names, and my grandfather had a Taurus station wagon (we had a Taurus sedan).

We've given up telling you that, you patently don't want to so we're leaving you to your own devices instead.

The irony of this is that using the kind of "crimes" Steve is, especially jaywalking, I have probably committed more than Niko in the past 3 days

Well that's because of all that murdering you do.

It's not a crime if they deserve it.

WTF dude, get a life.

Well, it and manslaughter do make for good hobbies.;

After you've completed this I demand you do it in Saints Row 2 too.

Only in the villages.

This is aces. Isn't drunk and disorderly a crime in 'merka, though?

And then in Animal Crossing.

(enjoyed reading this so far BTW)

Honking your horn probably is, too.

I was only ribbing !

It's actually been quite a while since I heard someone call an estate car a wagon.

I just noticed I wrote 'your' instead of 'you're' on the last page. Gadz.

I drove a rental Taurus sedan when I was in Canaja. It was... fairly boring.

Back in its heyday it was the best selling car in North America. It looked pretty smart too (it was Robocop's police car as it was futuristic looking) I can't remember why we had it over its posher Sable twin.

I want to buy the 'tales of lib city' disk now.......

I dare say it's one of those games that sounds great when you read about it and makes you want to play it, but when you do you immediately become irritated and remember why you stopped.

Fable's like that for me. I read about Fable 2 and think how great it all sounds and feel tempted to play it again, but I know that I'll be furious within minutes of starting it up and having to throw up in my mouth to impress villagers.

I daresay driving made it more interesting.

DAY 4 (Monday)

I get out of bed at 6:41am, and decide to go for a jog around Middle Park.

I put on a jogging suit, step outside and find that it's pissing down with rain. Maaaaaybe not. I'm not sure what to do now. It's too early for all my friends and girlfriends, there's no point going to wash another car as it's raining, and I bought new clothes just the other day.

I run back upstairs and change into a proper jacket, then jump into the Impreza and decide to go and check out the adult video store near Star Junction.

Naturally, by the time I'm passing Middle Park the rain is letting up and the sun is coming out. Oh well, I'm not turning back again. I pull up outside the store (it's on Lorimar Street if you're wondering) and go inside.

I enjoy perusing the various magazines, which invite me to 'Ghetto-hold of dis ass!' and 'Give this pussy some cream!'. I'm torn between 'Tricky Pink - Easy Brown' and 'Just Norks XXXL' but accident glimpse the cover of Amputeens and lose all interest. The staff are doing a test screening of one of their new DVDs in the back room. The couch looks a bit too crispy for my liking, so I leave.

It's 11:30am when I leave, and see the sun has dried the rain on my car into a lovely sheen of filth. I decide to take it for a wash. Along the way, I notice that for some reason the traffic lights are fitted right at the stop line, so while you're stopped you can't see them. Surely across the intersection would be better? Oh well.

Car scrubbed of its grime, I decide to give Roman a call and take him for the bowling that he's always wanted. Roman is, of course, waiting as far away as possible, just around the corner from the apartment we shared when we first moved to Liberty City.

Shit. Need to move fast. I go across the Algonquin Bridge and pick my way through Broker.

Unsurprisingly, I'm late, and Roman points this out but says I'm too lovable for him to be mad at me. It's quarter past three already, so I make the snap decision to head back across to Algonquin and go to the bowling alley there. I'm hungry, though, so we stop at the diner. When we emerge, some fucker has dinged the back of my car and then driven off - no note, no nothing. Being a victim of crime doesn't count, and off we go across the Broker Bridge.

In my haste to get past someone going too slowly I miss the turning and head around the block to try again. My GPS then tries to direct me the wrong way down a one way street. I only spot the signs at the last minute, as several other cars - including a police car - had just turned down it! I quickly swerve away from crime and continue straight ahead. Whew!

There is NOWHERE to park around here, except a driveway in front of some garage doors. There's no notices saying you can't park there, and the pile of garbage bags and other stuff suggests the far right door isn't used, so I stick the car there. In we go to bowl.

I bowl almost an entire game of spares the first time, and Roman keeps pace with him defeating me 165 to 159. I find my feet in the second game, while Roman struggles, and I win 165 - 107. Roman says I was always good at handling big balls, so it's ON for the decider. Roman starts mentioning girls from the old country that he managed to bed first, and simultaneously pulls out his A game again. After the closest contest yet, I lose 143 to his 166. Oh well. Time to go... and I step outside to note that it's very very dark. We've been at it almost all night, it's 2am!

Crimes today:
none!
(victim of 1)

Crimes total:
Car accident (2)
Jaywalking (1)

DAY 5 (Tuesday)

It's just after 4am when I drop Roman off at the other apartment. As I drive home, I decide it would be a waste to just go to bed now so I plan to watch some TV and then try and go jogging later in the morning.

The clock strikes six as I come out of the elevator. I settle onto the couch and switch on some cartoons. Republican Space Rangers, my favourite!

The paid programming comes on at 9am so I change into my jogging suit again. Hopping on the bike, I ride down to the park and head in. As I get to the entrance, a passing cops asks if I'd like to have a nasty accident. Lovely. To rebalance the universe's karma, I give some money to the saxophone player. Feeling suitably loosened up, I head off down the path.

My presence jogging seems to alarm some of the other park-goers, who drop items in alarm, recoil or even shout angrily at my passing. Other joggers don't seem to have the same effect. Very odd.

Stopping for a hot dog at the southern end of the park, I head back up the other side and return to the bike at 1pm. I'm feeling a little bit tired and decide if I have a late lunch with Kiki, I can then call it a day and be up bright and early tomorrow for another attempt at watching the sun rise.

Kiki is home so I zip down there on the bike, noting how much faster progress through the city is on it. We go to a nice little Italian place just around the block for her apartment, and then retire to her boudoir.

It's just before 4pm now, which suits me fine. I decide to head for home. I head up Union Drive West, and at a red light some idiot in a Lincoln punts me fairly hard from behind. I don't come off, and don't get push into the actual intersection. The other drive doesn't seem keen to get out and discuss things. There's no damage to either vehicle, so I decided it's best to leave it there - forcing them to discuss the situation might not end well. I mount back up and continue home without further incident. I park in the resident's bay at 5:50pm and note that the concierge has already had a repairman come and attend to the broken tail light on the Subaru.

I get in, shower, change, and go out on the deck to admire the view for a while. The jacuzzi bubbles enticingly. I go back inside and watch The Men's Room before retiring for the evening at 9pm.

Crimes today:
none!

Crimes total:
Car accident (2)
Jaywalking (1)

This is excellent! Your desire to fcuk with a virtual world is admirable; if only your performance was as wooden as Keanu Reeves' I might even think I was reading a transcript of The Matrix.