Be Excellent To Each Other

I've applied for a passport, and now I must attend an interview. Ack!

I've no idea what they're going to ask me, and I'm going to look like a right suspicious plonk if I can't answer something.

There's plenty of stuff about my parents I don't know, for example.

Ack! again!

I think there was a story that they've not yet rejected a single person they've interviewed so I wouldn't panic.

My Dad's going to be one of the interviewers for this as soon as the CRB checks clear, and it's pretty much just checking that you can prove who you are, and are not an illegal immigrant.

Don't listen to Russ and Dudley! I heard they clamp electrodes to your balls, and inject rat poison into your eyes! I'd be shitting myself if I were you.

Did I mention that the proving who you are thing involves DNA samples taken from the colon?

With a spike.

I believe you're confusing "Passport interview" with "Your average Thursday night"

What if I am?

What if I'm a brainwashed sleeper agent?

Just don't look like a Brazilian.

I look like a mixture of Phoenix Wright, Keigo Asano, Ronnie O'Sullivan and Seto Kaiba.

I've been approached by a complete stranger in a greengrocers before, who asked me the single question 'Are you French?'.

Just shout OBJECTION then at all opportunities.

"Hello. Please don't be nervous, this is just a formality for the look of the thing, to be brutally honest. What's your name?"

"D."

"Your first name?"

"Mr."

"I see, very good. And where are you taking the drugs?"

"Riyadh... Shit!"

Speaking of folks with single letter names, I do also look like L from Death Note.

I challenge somebody to combine Phoenix, Keigo, L, Seto and Ronnie together.

I am now officially passported.

Now to find a lead wallet to keep this thing in.

How are your balls feeling? Still sore?