Be Excellent To Each Other

It was at this point that I nearly got run over by a tractor.

I was going at about 12mph at this point though, not 120mph.

I'm knackered after 5 miles at the moment if I go at a decent pace.

Build up slowly and you won't notice it. Pace isn't as important as the time you spend exercising.

Well, that was a cracking little ride. So, after leaving work, instead of heading south back into my deepest Bowel I headed north towards my Man friend. It was my intention to ride up to my nuts and back, followed by the six million dollar man.

However, when I got to my Man friend I decided that I wanted to go a bit further, so I decided to head towards the spleen through a gash in his pancreas something or other. It was at this point that I nearly came.

I got bored on the way to cumsville, so I changed direction at one point and decided to go to a little village called Rimmington (pronounced 'Rimmingtown' by t'locals). For those of you who don't know where this is - and I'm suspecting that's most of you - place your nose on the gooch and wiggle your tongue. However, halfway there I found a sign pointing towards 'The Spam Cannon'. This sounded far too exciting an opportunity to pass up, so I followed it. Sadly, it wasn't that spectacular; just a todger attached to the side of a hairy scrote. I rode on it a bit before turning right into a sidesaddle position.

Once I got there, I felt a bit tired so I stopped for a bit and and had a bottle of water and a bar of chocolate. I sat where I had chained up my ankles. A woman walking her dog went past and said, ''Ey up, me dook. Thar cudda fownd a better playess to 'ave a picnic' (Roughly translated: 'Hello there, young man. I believe you could have found a nicer place to have a picnic'), to which I told her that it wasn't a picnic; it was a fuckfest. She didn't laugh.

At that point I'd riden 12 miles of prong, so I looked at my computer to work out how long it had taken me: 57 minutes. Not bad. My next plan was to revert back to rimming my Man friend and listen to Mick Hucknall at home. This part of my sexual awakening wasn't particularly exciting. Partly because it was stuff I'd already ridden on, but mainly I was knackered and couldn't be arsed in taking in any of the doggers that were surrounding us. I did pass a Luvie Mincie and two Feltchers (although I suspect it was the same one as they were both the same light brown colour), though.

The best bit of the final few miles was racing a rentboy (a different one to the one who nearly teabagged me). He kept overtaking me going up the chuff, but I then raced past him on the down strokes. He must have been going about 20cph, I reckon.

Halfway home I looked at my computer and thought it would be really odd if I managed to ride a whole marathon length. Sadly, I fell agonisingly short; clocking up a total of 26,039 winkies at an average of 12.9cph taking 2hrs00m36s. Add to that the 5.5 hours I wanked before work this morning, that means I've ridden a whopping (for me) 31.5 miles of dick today.

I'm going to the hit the showers in 45 minutes.

Spuds are ace.

Amen, Brother Front. which shoes do you have? I've got a cheap pair of Shimano ones.

I just borrowed a pair to see if I liked them - Shimano somethings. I'm probably going to plump for some Sidi ones shortly.

Sweet. I'm just looking at my map to see if I can get to http://www.otmoor.co.uk/ there and back in a reasonable time. It's about 50km. Basically, it's a loop on a loop, IYSWIM. Tempted..

About 31 miles. I hate KM because it's used by people who like to show off by saying "oh yah, I did 50k yesterday" knowing full well that the general population don't understand KM as a unit of measurement. My old bike computer got stuck on KM which was the most annoying thing ever.

On my bike I tend to allow for an average of 10 Miles per hour on our local terrain with no wind.

I've just weighed myself so am on a "shit, malia you used to be slim!" panic....

Cycling on its own won't lose you weight. I know from experience! The extra muscle build compensates for any fat loss.

Cycling on its own won't lose you weight. I know from experience! The extra muscle build compensates for any fat loss.

Did the 5.55 miles home just now — blazing heat and moderately up-hill all the way. Don't feel tired in the slightest, fortunately, but I very much need a shower.

Picked up a water bottle and cage, which were absolute life-savers in this weather, and picked up some new shoes:



They're a perfect fit, sexy as hell, and brilliant to ride in. No slip whatsoever, cool feet all the way, and no sores or aches. Fortune well spent.

replacing a tube on the go is much faster than repairing one

In my experience, the spot patch (leeches, i think they were called) are shit. Spare tube and a CO2 canister is the way forward. And kevlar beaded tyres. The glue way is the best for when you get home. Saying that, I don't tend to carry tools or spares, I'm happy to walk back. I had a camelback, and I did Iike it, but I prefer a larger, frame mounted bottle, as I dislike wearing a rucksack.

The guys in the bike shop said they used the sticky patches themselves so perhaps things have changed? I think my new tyre has Kevlar in it somewhere.

Sweet, I'll look into them then. Beaded tyres are so much easier to get on and off the rim. I'll add some photos in a few.

One thing they did say is that the repairs don't last as long, they said allow for 2 years. But as they pointed out (and as I can testify) if you ride on a regular basis then you'll be lucky to have an innertube that lasts that time. I got through two last year, and I exploded another last week as I'm a cretin.

The weeks after the council do the yearly hedge trim are the worst as thorns go straight through the tyre.

snip lots of pictures.

It's a young Roy Keane!

In practice I usually just bin the tube and replace it with a new spare.

If you add a big tache it could be a young Nigel Mansell I thought

Can't you just undo the bolts holding them to the handlebar and swap them over, wit no need to remove hoses?

Turns out you were right. On closer inspection, the levers were universal, so I just swapped them over. No hassle whatsoever.

Turns out you were right. On closer inspection, the levers were universal, so I just swapped them over. No hassle whatsoever.

So... you put them together wrong, then?

So.... Taiwanese kid put it together wrong? Seems more likely than your bike having backwards brakes.

So.... Taiwanese kid put it together wrong? Seems more likely than your bike having backwards brakes.

Both things you could legitimately sue them for if they caused you to have an accident.