Be Excellent To Each Other

That's strange, if you select the Musicals category in Netflix, they don't list the The Blues Brothers...

I’m just going to see Isle of Dogs. I couldn’t be more excited!

Mylene Class is going too.

Where’s the Banhammer, hmmm?

Sold out seats. Typical Sat.

I waited for the next showing. Totally fucking worth it. Isle of Dogs is awesome. Not really for kids, mind.

I watched a lot of films this week, mostly whilst sat next to a ginger idiot.

1) Nude Nuns with Big Guns
Oh noes! Sister Sara was on drugs or something, and to honest I'm not sure why. I think a baddy drugged her, but I don't know why. Anyway, she shot a lot of people, and spent a lot of time naked. As far as really crap films go, this one was okay.
2) Project X
Oh noes! Thomas is going to have a party, but he's a nerd so no-one will come. Spoiler alert: A lot of people come! This is one of the best films ever created.
3) Molly's Game
Oh noes! Molly can't ski, so starts running poker games instead. Hella good. I would like to give Molly kisses.
4) POULTRYGEIST
Oh noes! A fast food chicken restaurant was built on top of an Indian burial ground, and the chicken is becoming possessed or something. There are lesbians protesting, for some reason. This one was hella violent and hella stupid. And, surprisingly, a musical. To say it wasn't great would be an understatement.
5) Elves
Oh noes! A combination of Nazi's and inbreeding and witchcraft has summoned an Elf (just the one, no matter what the film is called). It seems to spend all of the film not really doing anything, but the Nazi's are pretty bad (as you might expect). The department store Santa saves the day, even though by the end I was routing for the Elf, because he tried to share his cockroach.
6) Little Bitches
I've no idea how this happened, but somehow we ended up watching a coming-of-age comedy with Sam off iCarly and Sam and Kat. They did lots of swearing (and we all learnt something about tampons). But - mainly - shit.
7) Breeders
Oh noes! Weird gloopy aliens are raping virgins in New York! It's okay, Dr. Nameless and Officer Dull can stop them! Eventually. This one is almost worth watching for the massive jizz pool at the end.
8) Deadpool
Yeah, this is still fantastic.
9) Starship Troopers 3: Marauder
Oh noes! This started off fine and then the tape snapped on the video or something, and it wouldn't play. Boo!
10) Dog Soldiers
Yeah, this is still fantastic.

I can’t believe you sat down and watched a film called Poultrygeist.

THIS MAY NOT BE SAFE FOR WORK

Also we watched a show where people eat a cheap version of something (a hotdog, maybe), then a medium priced version of the same thing, and then a stupidly expensive version of the same thing, and decide which was the best value for money. They were about ten minutes long each, and we watched for six straight hours.

Worth It, by Buzzfeed. I specifically went to the £200 ribs place I ate at in Seoul because of it, which is probably worse than watching it for six hours straight.

We didn't even like it that much.

I think we watched six hours of Worth It, five hours of The Bombay Chef, four hours of BBQ Pitmasters and about an hour of whatever show had the lovely lovely Chef Megan in.

And 20 minutes of Deep Fried Masters.

When we saw that episode I said "I wonder if that's the one Gaywood went to, they prep the meat just like his photo".

Also they went from being two annoying guys with a mate with a camera to going to Korea with David Chang, which is pretty fucking impressive.

Then we watched more hours of a guy who makes good indian food (but has terrible kitchen hygiene) but kept trying to do other cuisines and doing the worst things you've ever seen.

Yes, it is impressive they got Chang, right?! And yes, I specifically went to the same place they go to in the video, because I am deranged (and it looked amazing.)

And it was amazing.

Hahahaha!!! Oh my actual goodness. I did not know that films like that existed. How much WTF did they cram into that trailer?!?! There can’t be any film left. That’s the worst looking film I’ve ever heard of.

Boobs looked lovely, though.

Ready Player One (the film) is fucking embarrassing painful bullshit cringey terrible trash. Which is a position I stand by, but Jenny Nicholson, as usual, nails every aspect of that:

Jesus Christ, downloading immediately!

A Quiet Place. The acceptable face of horror for me - in that it's thriller more than it is horror. I was gripped, though afterwards it seemed quite a slight thing, and I thought it by implication had a bit of a plot hole, of the 'surely someone in authority would have tried variations on that before?' Gets away with it on the grounds that the family were tinkerers and in that they just don't tell you the back story in full.

Agreed with all of this. It's also rather satisfying that I've spoilered that but it's actually in the trailer. In fact that single scene does a brilliant job of telling you pretty much everything you need to know about the film in an incredibly efficient way.

Films I started to watch and turned off cause they were shit (a short list):

1) 12 Strong - The true story of the US foray into Afghanistan following 9/11. I lubs a good military film like, ooh, Lone Survivor, 13 Hours, Saving Private Ryan and all those good un's. This isn't one of them. Unlikeable cliched cast, cliched action sequences, cliched dialogue and generally blandly bland. I managed an hour or so, noticed that it was over 2 hours long and suddenly remembered that I have better things to do with my life.

2) Maze Runner: The Death Cure - I kinda enjoyed the first one. I can't remember the second one much and I can't genuinely remember if this is the third or fourth film. If it's the fourth I've definitely seen the third and can't remember a lick of it. Anyway, this one? I watched thirty minutes and then fiddled with my phone for another 30 minutes before deciding to switch it off. I can't remember any of the characters and have no idea what was supposed to be happening. And the bad guy organization is called "Wicked". BUT ARE THEY ACTUALLY WICKED!? Who gives a fuck.

Ooh yes, I was glad that was handled that way. Almost made me smile, really!

Gerrard Butler in a half-decent film? Surely not. But he’s in Den of Thieves and that’s pretty decent. It saga tremendously in the middle but the heists and shooting action are very good - it’s kind of a subpar Heat. If you like pew pew guns then you’ll be in good company here: I just wish they had thought better of trying to incorporate a family drama into the proceedings. It’s never resolved, it takes up too much time in the middle and then never spoken of again and it’s cliched trite. But them guns, aye? When someone pulls out the SAW you know it’s gonna be good.

LMG out of 10

Tonight's film was John Wick 2, it was alright, bit boring really. The first one was great, but the second was more of the same with less originality and reason.

Yeah, I really enjoyed it as well and thought Butler's playing against type as a total prick came across really well. The film itself was derivative of loads of other stuff but was well enough executed that it was still hella entertaining.

A quiet place was pretty good. Lots of tension, but I didn't like the ending at all.

Also some idiot in the cinema thought it was a quiet place to make a phone call, and several times answered his phone and had a conversation. I snapped and said "excuse me shut up I'm trying to watch a movie", but my conclusion is that people are bastards.

I’ve watched Red Sparrow.

Honestly, I don’t know what to make of it. I know it’s not a good film but I’m not sure it’s a bad film. It’s meh but maybe not terrible.

I tell you what though, it plays out like a sodding torture porn film. Jennifer Lawrence gets Beat. The. Shit. Out. Of. Her. She gets beat so bad she might have been turned into wine.

Not only that but she gets sexually assaulted, raped and almost raped several times. I never felt at any time was she in control of her situation or had the upper hand, The End excepting. It’s kind of a miserable and horrible little film.

The only thing I can say about Jen was that when she’s doing the ballet dancing at the beginning (assuming it was her and I think it was) she was FANTASTIC. Cor she’s beautiful. I think I’ll watch Mother! next. I’m not even sure if she’s a good actor. She’s got something about her anyway.

Conclusion: Should you watch Red Sparrow? I’d say no.

Interesting. I've read the book (and am half way through the sequel now) and while it's clear that her character is treated badly and gets raped once I don't remember it happening repeatedly. Maybe they wanted to make more of "Naked Jennifer Lawrence" in the film.

As above there’s only one rape, one ‘almost rape’ (well, maybe two), and plenty of sexual assaults. We does wank a guy off though, so, there’s one for the Hunger Games fans...

EDIT: and as for Naked Jen, she gets her tits out. And not in a nice way either, but a “let this guy you hate shag you” way. But he can’t get it up so he spits on his hand... geesh. It’s a rather lovely romance film. :/

Isle of Dogs. I liked it. I think. It's an oddity. Stop motion animation about an island of dogs (no!). Piles of kids had been taken to the showing I was in, and yet it's only partly for them, and their oohs at a couple of grim bits were at first a little distracting, but I went with it. I didn't get the same sense of it showing Japan, only in stereotype, that some have mentioned, but it is definitely strange.

Last night I watched 'THE POST' which stars Tom Hanks as Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep as Oscar Contender. Saul Goodman is in it too but he's now a newspaper reporter and not a lawyer. The film is directed by Steven Spielberg who made Shaving Ryan's Privates and Jaws.

THE POST has been described as 'timely' which means that its runtime is less than two hours including the credits. Also it has parallels to the Trump presidency and his attitude towards the press, which we learned when Trump said you can 'grab woman by the pressy and they love it'.

In the film Tom and Oscar live in a world called the 1970s when people were very excited about newspapers and a bad President called Dick Nixon who was sending Apple Pie Americans to die in Vietnam, which is full of jungles and Communists.

One newspaper prints government secrets, and Nixon stops them, so the newspaper that Tom and Oscar work for have to decide to print more secrets or not, but if they do they might go to jail. Tom is very keen but Oscar is more reluctant because she is a woman in a man's world. Then by the end of the film she is all steely and gives the men what for and this is inspirational, and reminded me of Margaret Thatcher who also starred in a film with Oscar in it.

There are some good bits where you see how newspapers used to be made with massive whirly machines before computers were invented and we all started watching cat videos on the internet.

Overall I enjoyed this film and think it is probably as good as Close Encounters of the Third Kind, but it would have benefited from having Richard Dreyfuss in in it.

PRESS/1000

I read that in Philomena Cunk’s voice.

Odd, as I started reading it in Grim...’s voice and then decided it went decidedly Malicool.

Cloverfield Paradox - how they effy jeffy have I managed to sit through half of this shit? I guess it's one of those "good money after bad" viewing experiences.

Yeah it's bad.

Next Cloverfield movie is supposed to be a WW2 movie.

When The Fellowship of the Ring first came out, I went to the cinema to see it and ended up sitting right on the front row in the very corner, and as such had to crane my neck up and to the right for nearly 3 hours. I did not enjoy it, and was in terrible pain by the time I came out of it. I didn't bother watching The Two Towers or Return Of The King, because I couldn't really remember much about the first one and didn't really like being reminded of the literal pain that it put me in.

But, I decided to give it another chance and watched Fellowship again recently (and Two Towers yesterday) and I have to admit that I'm engrossed by it. Apart from some seriously shonky CGI in The Two Towers, which I can excuse given its age and the budget presumably being stretched ultra-thin to make a 4 hour movie, they've both been pretty good. I know this will not be news to anyone, of course.

I hope Return Of The King is a satisfying conclusion - and that I can find 4 hours and 23 minutes to watch it some time...

You don't *have* to watch the extended editions, dude.

The third one ended about eight times in the standard cut, so I hate to think how long they drag the extended one out.

Allows for the incredibly sad ending, the incredibly happy ending, and the Scooby-Doo ending.

I reckon the credits are at least 20 minutes of that total

A film so unpopular, Tesco won't stock it.

Took me a minute.

Cor, did it ever.

Malia's jokes are like cryptic crossword puzzles

Hint me up

2 words. Verdant illumination

Ryan Reynolds

That took me a good couple of minutes to get, fucking hell

Fuck me