Be Excellent To Each Other

In short:

Time ago, I hooked up with a good mate from the mother country's friend from uni. It lasted about a year or so. She lived in Norwich, and then moved to Exeter. I got rid around xmas last (2006).

In the interim, I've seen that mate once. We've spoken on the phone and stuff like that a lot. Everytime I offer an invite up to stay with myself and Mrs A, there's always an excuse for him and his other half of ten years not to come.

I've come to the conclusion that he is pissed off with me on the the grounds that:

a) he says he doesn't like his gf of 10 years
b) I own a house
c) Getting rid of his mate (even though, after a year it was loveless) was a shitty thing to do
d) I'm pretty much settled now with the above, and he's suddenly sideswiped by this
e) I dunno, green eye or summat.

All considered, i'm pissed off that my invitations to hav them come up are met with 'busy' and things like that.

OPTIONS:

a) ditch friend and move on
b) continue invites

Ditch..

Is he worth the bother? It strikes me that if he's not bothered about coming to see you, it probably would be worthwhile if he ever did.

You forgot:

c) Kill them both and hang them on your wardrobe door, thus ensuring that they stay at your place... permanently.

Ditch friend, or confront for an explanation. I'd do the latter first, and then the former if the answer was unsatisfactory. You can't keep harking on at people who aren't arsed, you make yourself look like a needy muppet.

Ask him, politely but forthrightly, why he never accepts your invites.

It's better than just cutting your mate off for not knowing - if you ask him honestly and straight out you may find out why, and than can then make a decision on whether you want him as a friend from that.

I'm a bit confused sorry - you mention a She in your first sentence, who is this? You mention a He after, y'see sir - I'm assuming I've read it wrong somehow.

In any case. Has your friend ever invited you to come visit him at his house? Has he ever asked you to come spend time with him and his missus, or is it only you that is making the effort?

Loyalty is admirable. But, friendships are impermeable and people change. It might be that your suspicions as to why he always turns down your invites are true. Either way, it sounds like he isn't really bothered about your friendship.

If I were you, I'd either cut and run or, at least find some way to kind of 'turn him down'. See how he reacts, what comes of it. See how bothered he is. Get your answer as to whether or not your friendship is worth anything to him. Without him having the opportunity to bullshit or say 'Oh... yeah mate... just y'know busy and that... gotta go'. Actions can speak more honestly than words.

tedious edit: there is no hidden message here for anyone or anything.

CUS: Home town's friend from Uni.

I am similarly too confused by your phrasing to answer your question.

I recommend getting drunk and smoking, and forgetting which can of lager is your drinking one, and which your ashtray.

Ah, friends!

You drift apart when real life intrudes in the form of marriage, long time girlfriends, jobs etc. This just happens, I find. Truly great friends don't always stay in touch but they usually can carry on where they left off regardless of the amount of time passed. It, as you have discovered, takes effort to keep friendship alive and sometimes people don't put as much effort in as you'd like or would yourself - reasons are manifold and various.

Things I've learned in life - never ever project your standards onto your friends - not without the courtesy of telling them what your standards are, at the very least. This just leads to disappointment.

Ask him outright - there are only so many variables to his answer, some of which you've covered. Your original post wasn't exactly 100% crystal so I'm not certain of all the reasons you state for his alleged antipathy. Others I could think about could simply be the dynamic of couples - I have a friend who I never see and I think it's because his wife doesn't like me - but I don't care - sometimes the friend is your friend, and yours only. You don't have to play happy families together. Maybe the relationship your friend has with his partner is such that he doesn't like going away with her - who knows.

I'd ask him, as politically as you can, why he never accepts your invites. That's the only way you'll get any clearer idea, I'm afraid. Just be prepared for the fact that his answer might not be what you want to hear, or worse might not make any sense. I'd then do nothing but let time shake it down and see what the eventual outcome is.

At uni, we'd call it a 'chav cocktail'* - an inch or two of flat, stale, warm lager, a few ciggy butts, maybe the end of a spliff or two, with a crisp packet lodged in there. 'Cos someone (thankfully never me!) would sometimes accidentally drink it

* er, what MAngel said, darn you DBSnappa.

f) Sleep with everyone involved.

Everyone.

Buy that man a pint - I just did exactly this with two friends from Canada - one I hadn't seen in almost five years, the other in over seven.

That's what it's like with my friends. I don't see them for absolutely ages but we just slip immediately back into how we were previously when we do. Could be a gap of several years but it feels like you've just been waiting for them to come back from the bar.

It helps that I've known my two best friends for 30 & 20 years respectively.

Mali, it really does depend on what type of friend he is and how much hassle you feel it's worth putting up with to continue invitng.

Yeah, I think I'll play it by ear, but not get too cross over it all. Thanks.