Be Excellent To Each Other

Out of my way! I'm a nosey person!

My good friend Perkies is hinting at me retelling the tale of the colostomy gash.

I also have the two tales of The Strange Smelling Vomit and The Trout.

I'm going to be sick.

Hit it Dimrill.

I'll follow on with the 'not my turd, disposal' yarn.

For these songs, and more, tune in to Burnout Paradise nights only on BETEO.

It's like playing Burnout paradise, but without Dimrills plank.

I'd forgotten about The Trout.

I do remember the colostomy gash story, probably from a forza night. It was a good one. Nasty, but funny

There was a staggering error on the part of both of you, that was the root cause of the problem. I merely draw attention to it.

Seriously.. you've clearly got it on with someone. Why, why, why did you carry on with the ridiculous club charade, when you'd both already got the object of going clubbing in front of you?

Tut.




Ooh, are they touring again?



Ah, yes. "Wolfbagging", as they say in the trade. The trade being "coming up with really terrible names for rubbish and stupid sexual practices".

Anyway. The problem the OP has isn't fancying the new woman, or fancying anyone. It's being unable to cope with what's happened to his girlfriend. Deal with that. That is the issue. Deal with it, either by talking to friends, her, counsellors or some combination of the three, and all else will follow. I'm not having a go here, incidentally. We've all been tempted, and anyone who hasn't is either a liar, severely deluded or a pod person bent on exterminating humankind. As Craster said, beating yourself up for thoughtcrime will do nobody any good.

Yeah, it wasn't my idea. It seemed a little odd to me that she didn't want to go straight back to hers.

FFS is an asshole not tight enough already? what was his lover's name, Justin?

Jesus.

Nah, probably Justin.

So you can smugly climb into their mouth and lick their tonsils and make everyone else jealous? Because that is part of the fun, I thought.



Wait until you see the opening act, it's some sort of mouse organ.



Pearl and Dean necklace, anyone?

Err, I can't tonight I'm washing my hair.

I don't care how attractive she was - apple and cheese is a disgusting sandwich filling.

***

I fall in lust pretty much every day. I'm disappointed if I don't.

At that stage, probably not. I imagine he was probably 5 wolfbaggings off a colostomy gash.

Police described his rear end as "tattered".

I think that was part of the attraction, she'd take a bite out of the apple, followed by a couple of bites of her sandwich, all the while sitting by the window with her feet up on the bit that stops you falling down the stairs, showing of her legs (enclosed in hot pants under a mini skirt).

If I close my eyes and I can picture her still.

Malc

Ploughmen all over the country are giving you nasty looks throughsilver.

Malc: They are winking at you sexily while sniffing an apple and licking a wedge of mature farmhouse chedder.

(above) the girl
(below) her still

@Naysayer2000

I think you really need to have a conversation with your girlfriend. When people get ill it's not just emotionally draining on them, but also on the people who love and care for them. People who get ill can get very selfish and demanding, at which point the relationship breaks down because the other party can't just keep giving and giving without feeling that there's something in return. In your case this is a loving sexual relationship: you have needs and it's unfair of her to not recognise these.

However, boffing this girl at work is not a good idea. It will be about as satisfying as a wank whilst watching porn. You're needs, what you're missing, isn't going to be fulfilled by wanking into the next available vagina. Also it will throw your life into chaos, your private life and your work life will merge into one, there'll be rumours and stories at work, whispers you're not a party to, you'll go home feeling like shite unable to look your girlfriend in the eye - your life will be miserable.

Have that conversdation with your girlfriend. Express what you want out of the relationship. Your thought that you don't find her sexually attractive anymore, unless she's horribly disfigured, which can happen - acid in the face, bomb blast etc., is probably based more on the fact that she's not currently showing any signs of interest in you. We're, all of us, stupid creatures us homo-sapiens: we have the tool of language available to us that no other creature on Earth has* and yet our first instinct is always to react biologically to any given problem.

*I'm sure there's a bunch of lefty science on the complexity of whale song or chimp farts, but show me the dictionary!

It's genuinely these details which make the story, for me.

Also. Burny P is well worth the money.

Not sure whether the original poster is still reading, but I would like to stress I am not being flippant here. Have you tried prostitutes. Socially acceptable or not they provide a vital service to people in many sorts of predicaments.

Now imagine her eating an egg.

Then imagine her wanking a leopard.

Oh My!

Malc

.......now imagine her wanking a leopard.........
Unless you are done of course. Then you can save that one for a "special" occasion.

Ah, like throwing a sausage up the London Underground.

So Justin may have had a small organ but just wasn't used to playing it in a cathedral.

I is see.

She was 15. Her father would beat you up and the police would come a calling for statutory rape...

Waving your arm around in a warm room was always my favourite analogy.

I like "chuff like a wizards sleeve".

I prefer them slightly tighter than that...

Malc

Only slightly? Like a judge's sleeve, then?

I was using the great British tradition of under statement!

Malc

Speaking of blasts from the past, whatever happened here?

Ah, yes, good point DavPaz. I never did hear about The Strange Smelling Vomit and The Trout.

Dimrill needs to tell the tale of the Trout and the Spoon. It has to be heard rather than read.

As for the strange smelling vomit, I don't know.

"Coming up next: Dimrill's Story Time. This week, your cuddly host reads 'The Tale of the Trout and The Spoon'. Next week, you can look forward to 'Round the back of Argos, like a teddy, bare'

Just had a re-read of this old chestnut for nostalgia's sake, and am laughing up my gut at "waving your arm around in a warm room."