As a precursor it's worth mentioning that I'd not seen my brother in about 9-10 years for a variety of reasons, so I was expecting to see a lot of unfamiliar faces. However, I was not prepared for the shit show that it was...
Gaz is driving to the crem with me, one of my younger brothers & his girlfriend. We are driving up a busy A road, when we come up on a woman walking up the road in ridiculously high stilettos and a bright red coat. We find it odd, but think nothing of it. Pull into the crem, get out and notice that there are people DANCING in amongst the graves in the crem grounds.
Anyway, so we're standing outside waiting for the coffin to arrive, hoping to god that the dancers are not with "us". There's a meowing noise but we can't see a cat. Odd. Suddenly massive stiletto woman walks in, followed shortly after by the car+coffin. Stiletto woman is shaking - and I don't mean shaking with cold or from walking, I mean full on DTs.
We organise people carrying the coffin, some flowers are placed on it, we walk into the crem to the delightful sound of Eminem swearing at us. The grave dancers follow in behind, one of whom was wearing an outfit bordering on the obscene for a night out let alone a funeral (and if you follow me on instagram you know that's not something I say lightly) a black lacy number with a choker and ...interesting make-up and hair. We take our seats.
The service begins. There's some mumbling and fidgeting at the back but nothing terrible. About 3/4 of the way through the service, the meowing sound comes back. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. We start looking around - where the fuck is this sound coming from? Meow meow meow.
Someone answers their telephone. Someone answers their fucking cat fucking ringtone telephone in the middle of my brother's funeral service. Doesn't even cut it off, doesn't apologise profusely and turn it off. No, they answer and say "nah mate, nah, I'm busy, can you call me back?" Hangs up.
The lady doing the service continues. No more than 30 seconds later the phone rings again. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. I honestly can't even remember what happened next, I was literally ready to kill. He must have turned the phone off at this point. The lady doing the service gives an incredibly stern warning about turning phones onto silent.
The service continues. We're not far from the end at this point, but still obviously in progress, when obscene clothing choker lady gets up, walks to the front row where we're sat and with no emotion, no empathy, nothing - just like a robot - drawls "sorry for your loss" then goes and sits down again.
The service ends, we walk out to more delightful tunes from Eminem. Do the "thanks for coming" etc etc bit outside. My dead brother's ex girlfriend's sister spent 15 minutes wailing into my shoulder telling me [he] was the love of her life. I don't remember what happened to the lady with the DTs, and the grave dancers leave.
The funeral director at this point comes over and has a word - turns out the flowers placed on the coffin had been stolen from a grave by one of the grave dancers. (Also had apparently arrived an hour early and one of them had demanded hot chocolates from the crem "because I'm diabetic")
I have never been to a funeral this bizarre in my life, and honestly don't think any other will top it.
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