I saw the The the The the the The Hobbit yesterday.
In the FREEEDEEEEZ!
I've never seen a Hobbit film in 3D before so it was quite a moment for me as the 3D had me in moments of jaw dropping inter dimensional stuff and, erm, other stuff that was utterly irritating beyond words.
It's probably been said about 3D before but since this is the first 3D I've seen in an age I want to point out:
* WHY DO MOST SCENES LOOK LIKE A FUCKING POP UP BOOK? I mean, honestly, the character look, at times, like pieces of cardboard moving back and forth. It's weird and I don't like it.
* WHY DOES THE 3D MAKE MY EYES HURT WHEN THE CAMERA PANS SIDEWAYS BUT NOT UP AND DOWN AND ZOOMING IN AND OUT? For saying its filming at 70 million frames per second it still looks a bit blurry with sideways pans.
* What else to moan about? Oh, with the new hyper visual stuff some scenes look terrible - like they're a BBC drama. The realism diminishes somehow. It's weird and I don't like it.
* Substantive stuff now:
1) Story: Terrible. It's a pitiful excuse for a last film. You got the gold now everyone wants it - FiiiiiiGHHT. That's it.
2) Dialogue: Terrible. I swear at least 3 times at the beginning someone looks into the camera and says "It's waaaaaaaaAAAAR". I was laughing out loud at how terrible it all was. It's contrived garbage.
3) Acting: Terrible. Some of the extras are particularly bad. I don't know if it's the ultra high def visuals that give it away but one guy during a particular fight sequence says something in such a way that I couldn't help but groan. Just terrible. And it's not just terrible actors working with a terrible plot with terrible dialogue. Not just that. But the pacing is all wrong. Endless close up shots of faces throughout and long lingering camera pans ruin the pace of the film. Oh and that elven woman (the pale one) and her silly bottle of liquid at the beginning? It was all so cringeworthy. And the old fuckers with the staffs? Cringe. And Gandalf? Cringe. And he doesn't use his magic when he's fighting either. And bird shit wizard? Well I just hated him the moment he was introduced.
4) But least he can do a big fight sequence though, right? Sort of. But the premise for the fight is retarded. They're attacking the town!!! THERES ONLY 100 people there, who gives a shit? Why is it a massive deal? Surely 100 people would be wiped out against this massive Orc army?
5) The entire fight sequence (the only reason this film even exists) is like one long videogame cut scene. Some sequences more so than others, and there's times when my finger wanted to bang the X button so it'd let me play the fucking thing.
6) The ending: too long; say bye to dead folk and fuck off will ya. Not as long as I was expecting though, so there's that.
7) The shire looks much worse in 3D than what I remember.
I still don't know how they won. They were getting panned.
So "The Hobbit 3: Attack of the overlong subtitle but least it ain't as bad as the last one" 2/10. Fucking dreadful.