I'm shoving sultanas down my ureathra, if that helps.

Aren't you?

Instructions unclear; urethra now full of spiders.

Whereas, thanks to my daily genital electrocution, my urethra is entirely clear of all invertebrates!

Meanwhile, one long, glossy spider's leg is gracefully uncurling itself from Z's jap's eye. It hooks into the fleshy folds of Z's perenium, securing a solid purchase to pull from. The spider yanks itself forward, the awkward bulk of its plump torso straining against Z's urethral walls. With one succulent plop, the spider bursts free, landing on the bed. It shakes itself free of Z juice, breathes in the fresh air. Freedom. It's time for his thousands of spider buddies to come out and join him.

Okay, okay! The electro-magic fat scales work great and the science makes perfect sense!

Both flippant and serious, that.

If you were ready now, it would be a bit early.

Both flippant and serious, that.

Similarly, I aimed to do my long run yesterday, and baled 2 miles short of what I wanted to do (and 4 miles short of the railway station I was aiming for, too flipping far). Disappointing, and I wondered if that means I'm not really in shape. But really it's fine, marathon's not till the end of August.

Flirious!

So as reliable as Kov's Magic Scale then?

So as reliable as Kov's Magic Scale then?

Hell of a job, man. Well done.

Impressive work, sir.

You're still fuck ugly, though. Any plans to do anything about that?

Taken a few years.

Also, you forgot your glass.

Well done guys.

I'm struggling to choose my favourite... but you'll know soon enough.

Also: Get your haircut, Kov.

It might just put you at the top of my chart

https://www.113events.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/CC2017%E2%80%93Race-Information-Sheet.pdf

Getting a bit real now, 47 days to go..

Honestly? Concentrate on staying a) alive b) rested and c) fed for the next 4-6 months.

You have all the time in the world to be a yummy mummy - you don't get to re-live the first months of a baby's life again (and god knows I've tried)

Yeah, MrsA was worried about that, but I assured her that in the Yummy Mummy stakes, of the 6 mums in the NCT group, she'd be in the top five.

The yummy mummy bit was sort of a joke it's more about how I feel in myself and both the physical and mental health elements. It's really got me down the last couple of months so I don't want to let it go on too long before I do something to get back on board; not full on, just something to get the endorphins going and energy levels / mood up! So looking for ideas and inspiration to kick start that

But yes, keeping the family alive and maybe sleeping again one day first priority

Having been in the best shape I'd been in years, finally learning to cycle, and managing my first triathlon, I'm now facing the completely daunting challenge of getting back there post-baby.

God help me.

I actually don't know where to start, I kept healthy throughout my pregnancy but obviously there's only so much you can do, especially the last couple of months where you essentially can't move, and having ended up having an emergency c-section I'm now signed off to do anything for another 2 months; crap.

First port of call will be yoga / swimming once I'm allowed to in order to get a bit of strength and cardio back up, but I'm worried about how to work it around full time baby care and also just being nervous about my fitness levels now- don't suppose anyone else has been through this and has good results stories to share to point me in the right direction?! Or anyone with ladies who have been through it?

Must not turn into lazy Mummy, must aim for Yummy Mummy goal!!!!

Use your baby as a weight and do some basic exercises with him, he'll love it and the bonus is that your baby will gain weight slowly, so that you're burning a few more calories than last time...

Sorry, please don't think me lecturing/patronising Your mental health is super important (the potential for PND is no joke), but I just remember trying to fit everything in and be super mum with #2 and regretting so much.

There are tons of mum & baby classes these days that will allow you to ease yourself back in without having to worry about childcare - yoga, buggy fit, sling swing and salsa babies (both dance classes) - that sort of thing.

Weight loss wasn't a huge issue for me because of my shit pregnancies but I found breastfeeding and 'babywearing' (using a sling) helped balance out the cake calories consumed early days. I walked a lot - partly because I didn't drive - and that really improved my general fitness without being massively strenuous as well as the fresh air / just getting out being good for my head.

I know the 30 day shred DVD used to be massively popular with new mums because obviously it's something you can do at home, but defo avoid until your scar is 110% healed.