Be Excellent To Each Other

I don't want to be dependent on an Internet connection for my daily fix of Borcestershire life.

Don't buy an Echo right now - there's a new one coming out at the end of the month (and it's £10 cheaper).

I was aware of the video one, but just looked on Amazon and see there are 2 more models out

Echo plus which is the same size as the old echo, then one that's around half the size, £139 and £89 respectively. The plus is shipping with one Hue bulb as well.

There was an introductory sale on at one of the posh men's shops in the Exciting New Westgate, so I wandered in to look at shirts. Found a nice one my size so pulled it out of its tiny shelf. The plastic thing around the collar fell out so I picked it up off the floor. I started pulling out some other colours and styles before I realised that as well as ordering things neatly by collar size, they were also sorted by sleeve size.

I've not had a proper measure done for about ten years and didn't have the time to ask, so stuffed the shirts back into the tiny shelves as close to the original ordering, but struggled as they wouldn't just slide in. I left the plastic collar thing on an empty one and then shuffled out, hoping to avoid the glares of the staff who'd have to make it look neat again.

Back to M&S I think.

Sleeve size is a thing?

"I need a monster condom for my magnum dong"

That's over complicating things. Disproportionate people shouldn't be allowed to wear dress shirts.

At least get the quote right.

Why? Devito didn't.

I've never noticed that before.

Amusingly, I realised later that I probably wouldn't have bought them anyway. I don't like double cuffs.

That IS amusing. You can definitely work that into your anecdote repertoire, Kern. It’ll be one of those stories that follow you around in your obituary in 80 years time (I reckon you’ll live to be about 115, because science).

I spent most of last night trying to open the door to my spare room. It's still jammed and no amount of removing the handle or trying to shimmy it with an old card was successful. My toolkit, of course, is in said room.

I'm basically becoming a modern day Mr Pooter. I might as well go all the way and install a boot scraper.

Just be grateful you are trying to get into the spare room rather than out of it.

I have looked up Charles Pooter and I don't think you're anything like him as you are lovely and he seems to not be.

It's one of my favourite books.

I have guests tonight. Someone's going to end up on the sofa or in the tent if I can't open it.

But they’d be waiting out on the street whilst you starved to death if you were trapped inside. Trying to find you a positive here!

It’s a great book.

Go to Wickes, buy axe and new internal door. Use axe on stuck door. Enter room. Open door. Remove door. Replace door. Problem solved for £30.

Reminded of the time I was stuck in the bathroom with wife and first born, whilst second born was asleep in his room. Took some pretty frantic activity to unstick that situation!

I was after a less-destructive solution.

I did check Youtube, and the first 'how to open a jammed door' video that came up was initially promising, then the guy pulled out a sonic screwdriver and started waving it around the door.

Get a chisel. Or long flat bladed screwdriver. Homebsse is around the corner.

Ridiculous! Sonic screwdrivers don't work on wood!

Is it the catch that's broken or the actual door stuck in the frame?

Based on where I can push and where I can't, it's probably the catch. I unscrewed the plate but couldn't turn or pull it using the slightly-too-thick pliers I had to hand. Shimming with a card from above proved tricky due to the doorframe getting in the way meaning I could never quite get it in.

It's just a frustration that I'll have to deal with this afternoon.

Does the door open into the spare room? If it does, you probably need to pry the door jamb away from the frame. If you have a chisel handy, or a large flat head screwdriver, tap it against the join between the frame and the jamb up and down it's length until a gap opens, then prise it away from the frame. you may not need to remove it entirely, but if you can get clearer access to the catch, you should be able to free it.

Thanks. Will give that a go later.

or, yknow...

I didn't have enough milk for my muesli this morning, I had to leave the last few mouthfuls.

Kern, who is that in your spare room? That's not Tommy Dreamer is it? You cad!

Kern, call Gazchap and he'll punch through the wall.

Don't call inspector dixit as he'll ride a tuktuk through the wall

Great! I was worried it was mice.

I was working away from home a couple of years ago, staying in an 'otel (but I never have hotel breakfasts) and found that my milk had gone off over night, so I had my muesli with water. Wasn't too bad, really, after I'd let it soak for a while. In fact I often have porridge made with water rather than milk, as a small contributory factor in my middle age spread reduction regime.

It's a lovely day and I'm sitting around the house waiting for plumbers and deliveries. I could be smoking wings and brisket and pork but I didn't pick any up based on the weather last night and now I can't go out. Dammit.

I'm thinking I might try cold-smoking some cheese.

By cheese you mean "lumps of belly bacon"?

I mean... No.

But cheese should not be smoked.

Except that German stuff that comes in round slices, that's alright.

Also cheese isn't meat.

Smoked cheese is fucking delicious, sir.

I am going to take the two finest types of cheese* and add a delicious, delicious smokey flavour.

* Cathedral City Mature and Dairylea, obv

Do you like cheese with bits in as well?

Not really. I had some Christmas cheese that was pretty amazing once, but generally I like my cheese to have cheese in it. Cheese with chillis in is fucking nice.

*BUSTS THROUGH THE WALL OF THE THREAD, KOOL-AID MAN STYLE*

OMFG smoked cheese is brilliant. It's like normal cheese but also tastes smoky. I fucking love smoked cheese.

omg no

Also no.

Cold-smoking your own meat or fish is a fucking daredevil act. It takes 1-3 hours to smoke, during which time it's hanging around at room temperature. If it's warmer than a fridge outside -- which it definite is -- then hellloooo Salmonella and wait, what's this, you've brought your charming companion E. coli along too? Well, let me invite you into my lower intestine so we can all have a party!

Also we made smoked cheese-stuffed jalapenos at the BBQ and they were so much the bomb that counter-terrorism officers turned up

Was that that nice Officer R. Howard?

Fish also shouldn't be smoked. You people are weird.

It's definitely not me.

Smoked haddock chowder says "fuck you, son"

It's pronounced, Chowder.

Also kedgeree, smoked salmon, smoked mackerel, smoked eel, and basically Bik is Wrongly The Loon.