Be Excellent To Each Other

Am working at a conference in London. As I walked into the hotel at 8am who should step out in front of me, his face oozing pure right wing bile?

Yes it was Littlejohn. He looked at me, I looked at him, and then I called him a cunt.

That's one lifetime ambition achived.

Sadly rather than engaging me in debate, he walked off looking orange and puzzled. I may not have said it loud enough. Or he may just be used to it.

How many bananas/BETEO points for that? Have you insulted a hateful right wing bastard?

1000 bananas.

infinity bananas.

You rock hard.

I assume you called him a cunt out loud, rather than in your head, of course.

How did he respond?

BELMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

I just amended my post. I did say it out loud but possibly not loud enough. But any louder and I might have been arrested or may have upset nearby old ladies.

That would be an edit by Chinny subsequent to my post, Mr tossface Mali. As Chinny has just said.

/starts sharpening his attack dog

How was I meant to know that, wankweasel?

You should have bellowed it right in his face, maybe even a little spittle flying out of your mouth as you said it.

Maybe he is waiting to write NASTY THINGS about you in his column in The Scum (does he still do that?).

Deduction and logic, loser.

Anyway, well done Chinny.

Well done chinny.

wuv you, mali.

Sir, I salute you! When the revolution comes, you can take the place next to me against the wall.

You're even like this when Craster isn't around. I am sensing a pattern.

No no no - I get like this with Craster without him saying anything. With Mali, today, it's because I have been unfairly maligned. And if there's one thing I can't take it's unfair malignment. That and being tickled.

U 2 Snugglz

*tickles Cwissy Wissy*

Couldn't you have twatted him instead?

I keep telling you people, but you won't listen.

Well, it's a bit more head on than Will Self'seffort.

That's a bit harsh - he only said he doesn't like being tickled.

Several thousand bananas for that, I'd say. It would have been even funnier if you'd bummed him. Littlejohn wouldn't like that!*

(* Unless of course his years of writing spittle-flecked homophobic commentary are merely the result of a deep-rooted need to deny the very feelings stirring within his corpulent wrongfaced soul.)

You actually conjured up a mental image of Richard Littlejohn, and of all the things you could have possibly thought of, you thought about giving him one up the arse?

Wow.

I like that transcript because when I read 'Self' I get to think that it's me having the argument. Then I get angry because I keep referring to the fact that Littlejohn hasn't read my book. Not only does that not matter, but he gave a perfectly reasonable reason (er) why he hadn't the first time I mentioned it.

He looks 1000x more smug and shit eating in real life. And that is really saying something.

Also, very orange. Nice suit mind, but the facists always did have the best fashion sense no matter where you go.

Hugo Boss, particularly.

Back to your badgers, you.

Oh, he wants it. The podgy man-whore.

I was at the UK premiere of Men in Black (where I met my doppelgänger, but that's another story). We parked in a carpark - somehow I remember it as being underground, but I am not sure if I remember that correctly.

When we came out of the film someone had blocked us in. They had obviously not been able to find a space and so had parked in the 'lane' that you are supposed to drive around to look for a space, just left the car there and blocked our car in. The car next to us was just managing to squeeze by as we got there and we spent about 15 minutes trying to edge by (no chance without making contact) and then waiting for the owner to arrive assuming they may have been at the film. In the end we had no choice but to try and squeeze by in a way that would not damage our car too much. Unfortunately, doing so left a rather large scratch and a bit of a dent in the red car blocking the way. Because of the way he had parked we also couldn't follow the one way system around the car park you were supposed to do, as we looped around and managed to get into the correct flow direction the owner of the now dented and scratched car arrived back and was swearing high heaven about the damage. I was looking away and felt awful. Our car was undamaged apart from a little mark on the bumper, but the owner was too enraged to notice us. It was nothing to do with me (for it was only an acquaintance's car and decision) but I felt really really bad for the guy with the damaged and expensive looking car, until, as we passed, I noticed it was the absolutely abhorrent Gary Bushell.

Oh, that is lovely.

Chinny when I read that story I Hi5'd my laptop screen. Fucking awesome! 4761 Bananas. Easily.

Mimi that is Bushell Karma. Bushell karma rocks.

Best I can do is from when I was gigging. A promoter rang me up to ask for permission to use one of my lines, as he was doing a gig in a hotel in Glasgow. Mariah Carey was staying at the hotel - presumably playing at the SECC or something - and she and members of her entourage had asked for tickets to the comedy gig.

She wasn't that amused when the promoter said "Mariah, I believe you went to a vocal coach for advice on your singing. Here is some free advice. Pick a note and fucking stick to it!"

I hope you were wearing a bedsheet and a pointed hood at the time

Well done.

Brilliant. One day, I must get around to digging out the clip from UK Play's "The Punk Years" where a youthful Bushell is on Newsnight, frantically claiming that he's not a white nationalist after publishing an Oi! compilation called "Strength Through Oi!", which is a pun on a Nazi slogan, and has a prominent member of the National Front on the cover.

(Of course, he very probably isn't a white nationalist, and probably never has been. He is still a grade A twunt, though.)

Awesome work, this thread is really inspiring. It makes me want to go and find people I particularly hate and call them cunts.

This thread reminds me of Charlie Brooker's view that everyone has a "Keith Allen is a cunt" story.

That were great that were.
Also: I always seem to get Gary Bushell and Littlejohn mixed up.

Foolish man. If he'd be nice, he could been sitting where Nick Cannon is now (with a huge grin on his face as Mariah spins on the end of his willy, all delicious and sexy [Mariah, not Nick Cannon's willy])

Gary Bushell and Jon Gaunt, you mean?

Apparently today's guest chairman for the conference is Micheal Buerk. He's safe though because I quite like him.

Mars bar and biscuits for breakfast, yum.

Mariah Carey? Sexy? She dresses like a cheap hooker and sounds like a fire alarm.

Phwwoooar!

What, safe from having you creeping up behind him and whispering 'cunt'?

He had the shinest hair in the room and expensive trousers. He has a hairstyle (or lack of it) like the legendary Fred D!

I am on a train.

Which of her singles was that?

All of 'em. She tends to go "Phwwoooar, ahhhhh, ahhhh, ohhhhh-woh-woooooahhh" just before the instrumental break on everything she sings, whether it's appropriate or not.