Be Excellent To Each Other

This weekend I'm goig to be giving my sister away at her wedding. Naturally I'm really honoured to do this, although tinged with a bit of sadness without Dad here.

I reckon I'll be able to get the speech done all OK (obviously any pointers welcome if you've been in a similar situation).

What I'm really worried about is if I have to deal with any hecklers. I really hope there aren't any but I know some of the groom's family love a drink and are very loud with it. Any good catch-all pithy put-downs you care to share?

Ta

I would have thought the usual "Ah, Cousin Johnny... good they let you out for the day.. How are you getting on with the plastic knife and fork" would be taken in a light hearted manner.. but I've never done one of these so I don't know. I know my family would probably find it funny!

"Bacardi Breezers must be on special offer"

"Aren't you supposed to be at a Joe Pasquale gig?"

Look at your sister and say "Are you sure you want to marry into that lot? TUT".

Won't put them down, but it'll let you know YOU'RE BETTER THAN THEM. The fucks.

If it's a woman heckling, say something like, "You again! I'm useless at faces but I never forget a dress"

And, more importantly be concise and don't bloody waffle and don't, under any circumstances at all, talk about yourself.

Say to the groom "See? I told you should have put no roadsweepers/chavs/cunts* on the invitations"

* delete as applicable / how annoying the heckling is

Just tell them to fuck off.

No no, "get to fucking fuck" is the preferred phraseology..