Be Excellent To Each Other

So, share your non-sweary, marginally polite insults here - some from famous sorts are below to get things going:


She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when." ~P.G. Wodehouse


Nancy Astor: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison."
Winston Churchill: "If I were your husband, madam, I should drink it."


Yes, Agassiz does recommend authors to eat fish, because the phosphorus in it makes brain. So far you are correct. But I cannot help you to a decision about the amount you need to eat - at least, not with certainty. If the specimen composition you send is about your fair usual average, I should judge that a couple of whales would be all you would want for the present. Not the largest kind, but simply good middling-sized whales. ~Mark Twain


I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. ~English professor, Ohio University


You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance. ~Edward Flaherty

"Go poo a bottom, you great big yak cunt."

(Cunt means the raised hard skin almost like a small second hoof on the back of a yak's rear legs, so it isn't sweary. Unless you count "poo" as a swear.)

Probably paraphrasing this:

"A man who calls a spade a spade should be compelled to use one, for it is all he is fit for" - Big Oscar

The perfect riposte to those who think 'plain speaking' (another phrase for being an ignorant arse) is a virtue.

Oscar Wilde is all smug but cheap verbal tricks. He irritates me immensely. But I agree with the sentiment of that quote very much.

The "spade a spade" crowd are usually the first to complain about 'political correctness gone mad' (i.e. "why aren't I allowed to call them wogs any more?")

In what way is using precise, relevant and concise language not a virtue?

He thinks you something of an arse as well though.

Well yes. But I have elaborated on that post, though.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being precise, relevant and concise but obviously those who claim to be plain spoken are not being precise, relevant and concise but rather just brutish and rude...and probably are the exact same ones who hang around the HYS comments list.

There's the classic

"You're drunk"

"And you're ugly but I'll be sober in the morning"

One.

You fight like a dairy farmer!

What, by flicking cow's fanny batter at people?

I assume those quotes are directed at those who want it 'simpler'

And in a similar vein to the drunk/sober one:

"If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee".
"If you were my wife, I'd drink it".

Oooh thats good.

A variant of that was in the first post...

In and out of the first post. It was there to start with, then I took it out, then I put it back. I am full of whimsy today.

I can't keep up with all this, let alone the bit n bobs thread (or the furore surrounding it)

Ah, indeed. It wasn't there when I posted, I don't believe.

ANYWAY.

Out of 100,000,000 sperm, I can't believe you were the fastest.

"You're a cunting fucking fuck and I'm going to stab you in the face" - ComicalGnomes

also:

"I'm surprised you had the strength to climb out of the abortion bucket".

ohhoho.

But comical - how do dairy farmers fight? I'm intrigued.

Alas, I am at work and 'adult' sites are blocked on 3's mobile internet... but Ghastly's Ghastly Comic did an excellent alternate version of HG Wells' Time Machine, in which the whole purpose of the machine was so the inventor could go into the future and find a comeback to defeat the dreaded Victorian 'I will say GOOD DAY, to you, sir!' insult.

Also, "You're the load your mom should have swallowed."

You have not played The Secret of Monkey Island, clearly.

I did, but many years ago and can't remember anything about it. As it was in there, I'm guessing bovine vadge slime does not feature in a dairy farmer's martial arts then...

"Well, my days of underestimating you are coming to a middle."

"If she drinks any more at this party, she's going to end up under the host."

"My esteemed colleague has certainly hit the nail on the side."

"If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happeist person alive."

It makes me sad that this had to be explained.

I'm going to have to get hold of the Money Island games and play them again, I think.

"ching ching swish swish ching* and Mr Chris takes a step backwards...

I dug out my Bounty Pack (yarrrrrrrr!) just a couple of weeks ago and finally played The Curse of Monkey Island. It disappointed me greatly, the uses for items were extremely tenuous indeed and I'd never have got anywhere if I hadn't cheated. Bring back the days of "use lipstick on angry yak"

In reference to Monjey island above:

I am rubber, you are glue.

I've spoken with apes more polite than you.

At the risk of forever ruining a great moment of MY LIFE'S WORK, I shall unveil a personal favourite:

"Ah, here we go. Presenting Robert, the case for abortion."

Obviously it only works if you're introducing an unpleasant Robert, but still.

Also, Oscar Wilde was hit and miss with the wit and pith, but he struck gold often enough. "Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them as much" was never primarily intended as a joke, for example.

Glad to see you attended your family reunion.

I found the Time Machine thing I mentioned earlier, it's here. Enjoy! NSFW!!

Have you stopped wearing diapers yet?

Wow. I've seen some pages break in Firefox, but that beats them all.

I am rubber, you are glue.

*takes 3 steps back*

I couldn't remember the proper response to this one, but now that I've looked it up I see it's "Why, did you want to borrow one?"
At least I remembered one of the "I don't know the proper response" responses.
Does this need to be split into a Monkey Island insult thread yet?

Several years ago some friends and I were discussing the Buddhist belief that what you do in this life affects where you end up in the next. A friend turned to me and said 'K, you must have been really shit in your previous life'. Probably the best insult I've ever heard as whichever way you take it, I come off bad.

Its worth noting I recently replayed monkey island's 1-3 a couple of months ago, but even so that's no excuse. For some reason the permutations of all insults remain stuck in my head for the original game. Probably because for the longest time I couldn't get off the first island and spent countless hours in swordfights.

"You medieval dickweed!"

you're a modest man with much to be modest about

The best part of you ran down your mother's leg

The only problem with most baptists is they don't hold them under long enough

If you were any dumber you'd need watering

Why don't you wear a hat to remind you which end to wipe

You couldn't find your arse with both hands and a copy of Grey's anatomy

If your brains were made out of C4 you wouldn't have enough to blow your hat off

You look like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle

I never argue with idiots - they drag it down to their level and win with experience

If I show you a window, would you lick it?

It is a noble path you tread, sir, to live as a warning to others.


Not an insult, but what the hell. A buddhist goes into a pizzeria and says "make me one with everything."