Be Excellent To Each Other

I stab annoying people in the face for a living.

I work for the largest investor-owned power company in Europe, performing 1st and 2nd line duties supporting hardware and software that our Home Energy Consultants (read salesmen) use in order to shill gas and electricity to the great unwashed.

I wish to employ your services. Do you have a price list? I can pay in Star Bars.

One starbar per successful wound to the face. Two bars per hit to the body. A whole box of 24 for a mortal blow.

Self-employed web developer working for whoever the highest bidder happens to be at the time. Fortunately I have two regular customers so I get 5 days worth of work no matter what.

Oh, and self-employed hitman too, but I don't report that to HMRC. Regrettably I don't accept payment in Star Bars, but I guarantee I do a better job of it than Comical

Well whoever does the best job for the least payment really - oh and I can book the soonest!

I'm supposed to be a mobile holistic therapist - but everyone is skint so no moolah for Jazzy J.

Yeah, you don't have his USP of furious anger though. That's what people are paying for man.

I get excellent tax relief by doing the occasional murder for charity.

This is a good point. Although having this person erased is paramount, extra suffering and pain are worth paying extra for.

Have you ever considered a career as a Scientologist?

I pretend that I know how laser printers work, for the business division of a large, mulitnational laser printer manufacturer. Whose consumer products many of you recommend people avoid whenever we do a RMD.

I'm sure Makro must sell Star Bars by the box. Sheepeh?

I've never had much luck with your company's products I must admit!

If anyone can...

I had a friend how claimed you could use the lasers in laser printers to blind the radar of passenger jets and make them crash. Can you confirm or deny this, Zio?

I work as a computer programmer nerd for a nerdy firm that nerds nerdyness. Nerd nerd nerd.

Our head office is on the flight path for Heathrow, so I'll give this a try when I get five minutes and get back to you. Or just keep an eye on the news.

Oh yeah, that was it.. "Don't put acetate in a laser printer". Right Zio?

You need to make sure you're using the right kind of acetate, or indeed paper, when printing and that you've picked the right settings on the printer. Few people are ever willing to believe that the quality of the paper can have much effect in how well their printer works, but trust me it does. Laser printers run very hot in order to fuse the toner to the page, and some paper doesn't react too well to the heat. Doubly so with acetate. Plus you have problems with grain quality and direction, the way the paper is cut, etc. You can all wake up now.

GJ, I know exactly what you mean. They recently had a charity sale on here where they were flogging off a load of the inkjet stock dirt cheap to the staff - I decided to just stick with the HP I've got at home.

Don't forget the virtual penises!

I am a man whore!

Leverage those synergies!

Aren't all companies owned by investors, by definition?

EDIT - except for the state-owned ones, of course. Shut up, me.

I mong on the internet all day.

Printers are the machines of the devil. Of all aspects of computery, they have been the most consistently annoying and temperamental for as long as I can remember, going back to the deafening squeal and irascible software of my old Epsom amiga printer.

I work for an architectural salvage company. It's fun, although a little rocky for some complicated reasons I can't be arsed to go into. I'm starting as a part time librarian next week, too. I loved being a librarian last time, so this pleases me.

Wish I'd taken photos of me smashing that 9 month old Samsung laser to pieces the other week. Bloody bastard thing.

Still at least I managed to sell my excess toner on Ebay for a profit.

The new Xerox 6130n is lovely. Amazing printer for the money.

I still remember the whine of a dotmatrix. Ghastly devices.

I read that as "dominatrix".

They sort of were, really.

They had metal balls though.

And pins. Lots of them.

[EDIT: Hmm...repetition?]

This may shock some of you (and could probably also get me the sack, probably), but just because a little badge on the printer says it was made by one company, doesn't mean it actually was.

There's an awful lot of Xerox's out there, all incognito like...

I had that *colour* Star dot-matrix printer. You remember, it was the one you couldn't afford in the C64 and early Amiga mags. I couldn't afford it either but convinced my dad he needed it for his business.
It worked incredibly well considering.

24 individual Starbars or one huge pimped Starbar?

Frankly, I am very interested in your services.

Says the big car nerd.

Car nerds > printer nerds.

And I have so little interest in cars that it occasionally spikes into the negative.

Ah, the Amstrad DMP2000. 9 pins of sheer bloody noise. Like having roadworks in your house, except slower.


That is scarily like my CPC setup in 1988. In fact my DMP is still in the cupboard. Until about 10 years ago it was still the backup printer!

I think we'll have to start taking numbers before the queue gets unruly. Maybe we could all chip in eight Starbars each?

And get our targets in one place? I think you're asking a lot there tbh.

'You are invited to a summer soiree'

We get Comical a really, really long knife so he can stab through multiple targets.