1. Zoe Lyons – "I can't believe Amy Winehouse self-harms. She's so irritating she must be able to find someone to do it for her." (11.65%)

2. Andrew Laurence – "Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public." (10.10%)

3. Lloyd Langford – "My girlfriend said 'did you know that hippopotamuses kill more people every year than guns?' 'Yes,' I said, 'but a gun is easier to conceal." (9.90%)

4. Josie Long – "When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said 'oh, two or three.' And she wonders why her marriage didn't work." (7.35%)

5. Tim Vine – "Velcro. What a rip-off." (6.10%)

6. Stephen Grant – "The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe - wouldn't it be easier just to talk to a woman?" (5.80%)

7. Edward Aczel – "So far Bird Flu has only killed 47 people. By the time it ends, it's going to have killed 37 million. It's got to get going, hasn't it, if it's going to be the pandemic we've all been hoping for." (5.60%)

8. Joan Rivers – "Grandchildren can be f**king annoying. How many times can you go 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like talking to a supermodel." (3.75%)

9. Tom Stade – "I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's awkward." (3.55%)

10. Jeff Kreisler – "People were outraged because of Barack Obama's spiritual advisor. I think it's great he had one. Who was George Bush's spiritual advisor? Jim Beam? Johnnie Walker? Jack Daniels?" (3.40%)

Josh Howie – "I saw Chris Rock in the street and approached him to tell him how much his work inspired me and changed the way I understood black culture. Turns out it wasn't him of course."

Roy Walker – "I got into a taxi and I could tell the cabbie was dying to know who I was. I could feel his eyes burning into my chest through the rear-view mirror."
"Allright, give us a clue," he said.
"Catchphrase," I said.
"No," he said. "Where to, you prat?"'

Ivan Brackenbury – "A drama-group leader was checking in his group into the hotel in front of me, and you know what he said? "Is the porn channel disabled?" Unbelievable, some people."

Ivan Brackenbury is awesome.

Arthur Smith – "A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor says, 'I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating.' The man says, why? The doctor says, 'Well, I'm trying to examine you'."

I fucking hate tim vine, the most unfunniest fuck on the planet.

I find him perfectly acceptable in small doses. Very small doses.

Nice to see Tom/Ivan is hitting the big time. I've been aware of him for a couple of years and he posts on Media UK from time to time.

So I was walking down the road and my friend turns to me and says:

"There's no god you know"

I said "What?"

"There's no god"

"What?"

"There's no god"

"There's no what?"

"God"

"What?"

"God"

"What?"

Which put him in an awkward position.

I don't appear to be very PC

... uh?

I don't get that.

Because then he has to explain what God is.

Nope, still nothing.

I usually hate it when people whinge about 'Scouse jokes' (as a Waltonian myself), but I actually felt a bit irked by that Mirza gag. Others usually have an element of reality or an established stereotype to them.

It'll work better when Munnery is saying it, as he's a funny fellow.

The joke being, of course, that the essence of having to explain what God is will reduce the first person's point about their not being a God to utter redundancy.

And stuff.

Imagined conversation between two trees in winter:

I see you’re deciduous

Yes.

Must be awful I imagine.

I wouldn’t say that

But don’t you feel a bit… naked in the winter? You know - fragile, vulnerable, below par? I mean you look…. How can I put this politely?… a bit…well… on the indistinguishable-from-dead side.

Oh no no on the contrary; I feel invincible, light as air, invisible to the wind, cleansed, ready, coiled like spring. Anyway; you should know - you’re deciduous as well, or didn’t you realise?

I am not

Yes you are dear.

If I’m deciduous then how do you account for these beautiful thick green leaves that cover me from root to twig in the middle of winter?

I’m so sorry dear; didn’t you know? Has no one told you?

Told me what?

You’ve got ivy.

Sorry if I missed something - I'd never heard of her before reading this thread.

It's to do with making money.