Be Excellent To Each Other

Vectra 1.6 mate, in base "Life" trim. (Which is kind of odd, because it usually means the driver hasn't got one )

Seriously though, my advice? Save yer pennies for an Audi RS4, you'll love all that 4wd stuff on the mountain pass (it's proper Torsen system, too, not a pretendy haldex job), lovely NA V8 makes some fab noises, great interior, comfort and build quality. Uncommonly great to drive, too (this isn't Audi's strongest suit)

Although having said all of that, I'd be putting a deposit down on a new RS Focus. 28k brand spanking, probably some great lease deals (as the residuals will be great), 360-odd BHP... awesome VFM.

I have no idea what Mercs are what, they all have those unintelligible strings of characters for their names and I can never tell which are supposed to be the fasts ones or the posh ones or anything else. On top of that, outside of AMG they all come across to me as being intolerably boring. (I could be wrong on that though.)

BMW I would consider, although AFAIK the M3 doesn't exist in five door form (and has small rear seats) and an M5 might be a bit much. And then you've got that massive expanse of middle-of-the-road three and five series cars. Also I'm still a bit sore on BMW as they're the only make of car I've ever had that has properly blown up on me and left me stranded. (A 1996 528i whose coolant system gave way whilst driving gently over the mountain, and this was in 2004 so it was less than ten years old.)

Or Jag?

Not sure if you could, but wouldn't be surprised, but personally I'd be looking at an early XFR Jag for that money. Perfect Jekyll and Hyde car for me. Quiet, comfortable and refined when you want to pootle about (noticeably more so than any of the German performance saloons I've driven, which seem to just do firm to hard suspension) and fast as fuck with excellent handling when you're on your own and pretending you've just robbed a bank.

However, I understand the supercharged S4s are trivially easy to flash big performance gains from and that they're one of the better Audis handling wise.

I'd also be looking at E63, C63.

Gazchap will be along soon with more than you need to know about all things M related.

Any M that you get for £15K is likely to be either a moneypit or the best car you've ever owned.

Unfortunately, it's impossible to know which one it will be. Even an impeccable service record and a fastidious owner isn't enough to lessen the onset of ludicrously expensive repairs, especially for the V10 models.

You're right in that there isn't a five door M3, but there were a few four-doors.

I'd avoid S/RS Audis too, every one I've ever driven has been a fat, wallowy understeering mess.

Genuinely don't see the appeal.

Popular in Bradford.

So get an AMG: http://www.autotrader.co.uk/classified/ ... &logcode=p

Sub 5 second 0-60 and plenty of change, too.

If you're desperate to spend the money, try an E63 AMG: http://www.autotrader.co.uk/classified/ ... &logcode=p

Hmm, apparently the c2008-9 one they did on Top Gear (and also as reviewed by people I'd actually listen to) was a bit of a gem which ran the then M3 pretty hard. A softer car, but more surefooted and foolproof (albeit, yeah, the steering still sucked)

It's not my bag but then I like ridiculously extreme cars that are hardly to everyone's taste anyway and not much cop if you have to ferry kiddies about. I think as a safe, fast grippy all-rounder, you could do worse, but hey.

The S4 is supposed to be a bit shit, mind.

The thing I like about the S4 is that it's not the wrong side of 'totally mental', which is the category I'd put the RS4, the big AMGs, an M5, and the likes into. (Any of those cars is entirely capable of landing you with a bill measured in the long thousands of pounds for a scary variety of ailments.)

Also, as I understand it from the resident Audi-fan at work, the engines in the S4 are relatively unstressed, so as long as you don't knob around with them, they're capable of big mileages without too much fuss.

It's also worth bearing in mind that most of the time I'll be driving the car sensibly on the commute to and from work (we don't get 'traffic' over here like you do across, but if you're travelling over the mountain at normal in-out work times there's still enough to often make it more hassle than it's worth to try and overtake much), and it'll be performing family duties too, it's only when I'm working strangeish hours so kind of get the road to myself (which does happen quite often) and the mood takes me, that I'll be wanting to properly open it up over the mountain (conditions permitting), so an all-out sports car isn't a great choice in that regard either.

(There are the stunningly glorious two weeks of the year when they make the mountain one-way for TT, which makes the drive to work for those two weeks a remarkably entertaining affair, but I can't buy a car around how I get to drive it for 2 weeks out of 52.....)

@DBSnappa, my brother suggested a fast Jag, and there is an appeal there for sure, it's something I'd consider

I'm looking around the £15K mark as that strikes me as reasonably sensible amount to spend on a car, with £6K on trade-in from mine that's £9K cash tops. Once I get out beyond that I'll be in the world of finance which preferably I'd avoid.

I mean, I could go and trade my Type-R in, plus a chunk of cash, for the deposit on a brand new Type-R GT (with the rest in the wibbly wobbly world of finance), but £32K for a car is an amount of money I can't get my head around so it's not going to happen. I'd choose the new Type-R over a new Focus RS though.

alternatively, a simple map download puts them in stupid territory. Chris Harris did a video on it.

https://youtu.be/2KfMY96v_Gc

That is indeed mighty impressive, but isn't the problem with this sort of caper that the clutch and brakes and drivetrain aren't up to the job and you mangle the fuck out of them in very short order? (i.e. The rest of the car isn't in step with the amount of extra power you're now getting out of the engine.)

Brakes certainly. Drivetrain maybe, but as a quattro it's probably quite stout.

And you'd hope a company like revo would account for that in standard maps - same as in the pre-LCI 535d normal tunes keep torque under 490 lbft because the transmission might grenade after that.

I take your point but I'd still be a bit wary of tasking a car with delivering 100hp or more than it was originally specced for, without changing anything more than the brakes. (And even 'just' the brakes wouldn't be a trivial or cheap endeavour on a car like an S4.)

Besides which, the standard S4 is already a pretty damn quick car, making it as fast as an RS4 is impressive but not exactly necessary

The biggest problem is going to be getting one from a local dealer. I could bring one over from the UK but that comes with its attendant hassle (getting it here, getting it through the Manx test and so on). Quite a few of the dealers over here are either part of UK networks or can source cars from them so there's that option too, and they'd take on the task of bringing it over and through the Manx test - for a cost of course.

There isn't a single S4 on sale on the island at the moment that I can see, there's one Lexus IS250 which is quite nice, and needless to say no Cadillac CTS

My boss had an S4 (B6 shape) and yes, it was quick (4.2 V8) but only in a straight line - I borrowed it for a couple of evenings and driving on the twisty roads to and from Jem's house was horrible, despite the quattro it felt horrifically unsafe and not planted at all compared to the Celica.

She has a 60-plate RS5 now and I'm not hugely impressed with that either.

Having never driven an S4 I can't comment, so it's nice to hear a personal experience However, I do wonder if there's a difference between a car 'feeling' unsafe and actually being unsafe.

(The obvious example for me is the Scooby, which had an ability to stick the road that was borderline magical, so every car I've driven since then 'feels' unsafe even though it isn't. I've had the Type-R step out on me a couple of times now (where the Scooby would have stayed on rails) but it's controllable and manageable. With your Celica you're talking about a rally bred 4WD car with legendary handling, so it's understandable that a big Audi is going to feel a lot different, maybe even unsafe, without actually being unsafe? A mate of mine here had a GT-4 (generation before yours) and it was incredible on the back roads over here.)

That's the other thing with buying an S4 locally rather than bringing one over, the option to take it for a blast over the mountain on a test drive before I commit to buying, because it is possible that I won't like them so much after driving one.

The selection of cars at dealers over here is often shit, I swear to god we get the rubbish that dealers in the UK don't want to have to try and peddle. You really to have to keep your eyes open for the occasional gems that crop up, it's no coincidence that a lot of clued up folks source their cars personally from the UK.

Thermostat housing.I poured water into the expansion tank and looked where it came out. Held on by 8mm bolts. 8mm. Who the fuck uses 8mm bolts? I know I have an 8mm spanner somewhere because I replaced the house ages back. 8mm. Pfft.

Yeah, that's a valid point. But for me even the feeling of it being unsafe is enough.

With the Celica, I can drive at 7/10ths on the road and have fun and feel completely planted - even in wet weather.

With the S4, and admittedly part of this may be because it was my boss' car and not mine, I wasn't pushing anywhere near as hard and the body roll I could feel was horrible - and the lack of feeling through the steering wheel didn't help.

Might not be the car, could be the tyres or perhaps something wasn't working 100% - who knows, but it didn't feel right.

Put it this way - the reason I was driving the S4 was because my boss offered to sell it to me. I declined, and went on to buy the E46 M3 cabriolet - and the amount of body roll/scuttle shake (whatever you want to call it) on that felt safer than the S4. Which is madness.

I'm
3/10ths on the pavement?!

Well, I've never driven an S4 either - but have driven a c.2009 S5 (which, in true Audi style is basically the same car), and it was 'orrible IMO. Fast in a straight line, made all the right noises but stupidly nose-heavy, default-understeery beyond redemption, light/numb steering and, as Gazchap notes, far too much body roll, but massive, foolproof traction and grip, "super safe" handling that'll never surprise (nor delight). Basically, it's an "M25 car", looks good on the motorway with all those Xmas daytime running lights that Audi charge you about £2k extra for, and it's a mile-munching overtaker, great for tailgating, any fool can drive it relatively fast. Fancy interior, too, if you like that sort of thing.

So, I hate this kind of thing, but you seem to like traction, grip and 'safe' handling? Me? I can't stand 4x4 cars like Scoobies; apart from looking chavvy (you need to be 30 or younger to drive one IMO, same as the new Type R Honda thingy for that matter, box-fresh from Max Power/Halfords). I like a rear-driver that keeps you on your toes; the Cayman's arse never stops stepping out even when on full comfort mode, let alone when on Sport or Supersport/dampers (and, heaven forbid, if ESP is off - and it really IS off). I'm pretty shit I'll be the first to admit, but when even I manage to rear wheel throttle-steer round a corner, when I get the opposite lock exactly right, when I can feel everything through the uncorrupted, undriven front wheels/steering... man, it's petrolhead heaven. For this reason, I'd take a rwd 116i MSport BMW over any 4x4, but that's just me. (I regularly drive my mates Stage 9 GTR, he's spent over £30k on the engine alone and it smokes GSX-Rs off the lights, and lights up all four tyres in the dry. As funny as this is for 2 mins, I'm always so glad to get back into my vastly slower, cheaper but so much more rewarding Cayman)

If grip and "safe" handling are your thing, then, and you want a smart, fast car that you look good in, a 4x4 Audi probably isn't a bad choice (but don't expect it to be anywhere near as 'core as your old Scooby, unless it's the aforementioned RS4 2008 model I recommended to you earlier). However, I'd urge you to try a rear-drive driver's car first - a really decent nick E46 gen M3 (conventional manual) would be my pick. All-time engine, fabulous balance, but don't expect "safe" handling at all times because these cars love to misbehave and will bite you, just like all good cars should.

Oi! Is it the parcel tape around the mirror?

Meh - parcel tape on the mirror is cool, in the same way that an old pair of 501s with holes are still cool. Cool is not having to try too hard, or indeed at all, albeit I'd be the first to admit to being somewhat uncool. Does this make sense? Yes, I think it does.

But seriously though, a Scooby has a face only a mother could love, surely? Not so much thrashed with the Ugly Stick but a complete bloody rain forest. All IMO of course.

Gauche, mate, fackin' guh oh ssh

Homer: So, I realized that being with my family is more important than being cool.
Bart: Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.
Homer: You know what the song says: "It's hip to be square."
Lisa: That song is so lame.
Homer: So lame that it's...cool?
Bart & Lisa: No.
Marge: Am I cool, kids?
Bart & Lisa: No.
Marge: Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool, not caring, right?
Bart & Lisa: No.
Marge: Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we've tried everything here.
Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't need to be told you're cool.
Bart: Well, sure you do.
Lisa: How else would you know?

Meh! Too true! Nothing worse, or more pitiful, than a man well into his 40s who still thinks he's "down with the kids" or "cool", I totally agree. Used to see 'em down the nightclubs back in my youth and we LOLed; I vowed never to be one of them...

I love being middle aged - best time I've had in my life, truly. No pressure, money in pocket, nice toys to play with and nothing to prove; no-one is looking at me. Even the car and bike insurance is bloody cheap!

I look forward to growing old truly disgracefully, and feel I've already made a damn good initial stab at it.

What is the round thing behind the fluid bottle behind the battery?

Looks like a brake servo to me.

Ta. I shall see how easy it is to remove.

I think they're quite important.

That's your brake master cylinder. It's fairly easy to remove, but, like Craster says, fairly important. You squash a big plunger inside it (like a syringe) when you push the brake pedal down. In turn, it pushes fluid into the brakes to make them come on.

Just make sure to bleed the brakes properly when you're done and be hyper-cautious for the first mile (drive about away from traffic and do some emergency stops) and then pretty cautious for the next nine miles. Give yourself enough space to stop using the handbrake if you need to.

Sorry. Poor phrasing. I meant 'unmount'. I need to get to the rear bolt on the thermostat and if I can unmount it and move it 3 inches up, it'd be grand.

You're still taking it off, so same thing.

I hate to be pedantic here and this really isn't my bag (the thought of me doing car maintenance is laughable), but isn't "the round thing behind the fluid bottle" the vacuum assist unit (i.e. servo)?

It is - it's all one thing on Ford's though, so the whole lot has to come off.

It seems extremely excessive to have to remove the brake servo to undo the thermostat housing. Do some internetting to find out. Maybe you just need a different shaped spanner or wrench. Mechanics have all sorts of weird things these days for undoing stuff in awkward locations.

Remember how I did that earlier this year?

Well, we're doing it again, probably in May, but we're going to make that decision next year.

Anyone want to come with?

http://broadtrip.co.uk/

Possibly in, it's one for my bucket list. Doubt I can make the planning drinks though.

Also, you should totes do it in VVTL-i Celicas - 190hp and they're ludicrously cheap (or were, at least, haven't looked at prices recently)

I would be interested but probably couldn't afford it right now tbh. Plus I fancy taking my Clio and that would be a bad idea.

The cheapest 3D Celica is £2k on Autotrader

How much for a flat one?

Genuinely don't know what you mean by "3D" here

I copy and pasted the wrong bit

Basically all the 189bhp versions are spendy.

Could be fun. How much did you end up spending last year?

Ah. Yeah, they've gone up a bit then. Can get (ropey) GT-Fours for less than that!

Assuming we sold the car like we were supposed to, it would have been about £500 all in. Maybe £600.

Not too bad at all then. Tempting.

Don't forget the car has to be driven to Germany and back; a certain amount of reliability is necessary.

I imagine you could get away without driving it back.