Be Excellent To Each Other

A stupid cat keeps coming into my back garden and strutting around like he owns the place. My next door neighbour is also fed up with it - he can't leave his side door to his garage open as it keeps going in there to sleep in his rafters. I, meanwhile, have the drainpipe from my own garage dislodged (as it runs through the cat's chosen entrance and exit) and also large turds deposited on my lawn.

How do I get it to fuck off? Unfortunately, it's very quick and alert and so I can't sneak up on it. Because it's so quick it's more or less escaped before I can whack it with my broom (I've tried). It's also just dashed away from my attempt to brain it with a potato. I don't have a hosepipe or else I would soak it.

The missus has suggested we trap it and hand it in to the RSPCA who will put it to sleep. While I'm pissed off at it, I'm not THAT pissed off at it and would rather it just fucked off and stopped knocking my drain/having a dump on the grass. Short of stringing barbed wire across its entry point, any ideas?

EDIT: In spite of the icon for this post, I don't think I'll be able to charge it £2 a month for the right to come and shit in my garden.

I'm fairly sure you can buy cat repellant of some kind.

Yeah, either sonic thing or spray stuff.

[MaliAs attackingpolarbear.jpg]

yeah get one of them high pitch thingys. or a fake black cat with reflecty eyes.

Cats hate citrus.

Walk around your garden 24/7, bellowing and thrashing your arms around.

Dimrill, lord of practical suggestions.

MetalAngel: borrow my lurchers. They love cats and rabbits.

We had one of the sonic things in our garden, and it had no effect on the cats.

It, however, did manage to really cause headaches in both me and one of the people I live with. Inaudible, my arse - I could hear it from the other side of the house.

what about a motion sensor water pistol?

What you need to do, is find where it sleeps, creep up on it and crap in its face.

He does own the place. He should be serving you with notice soon.



There are no cat repellents that work for sure.

I purchased a product called "Get Off" which indeed smells of citrus. Our mog doesn't mind it but it seems to have done the trick this far.

Get a dog.

dog?

Nope. When your dog is inside, the cat will come up to the windows and wind up the dog like you wouldn't believe, really pissing it off. You open the door, the cat will just leave and come back 10 minutes later.

There's product called 'Scat' that you can get in garden centres or Wilkos, anywhere like that.

It goes without saying that you shouldn't GIS for this product.

Yeah, that'll do yer. That or "Cat Knacker".

I don't think I'll love what Jake and Daisy will do to my house...



...never mind the inside of my car on the way over.



Cheers for the offer, though.

Dimrill: It sleeps in my garden. If I were able to get close enough to shit on its face, I would be able to have gotten close enough to whack it with the broom or bonk it on the head with a potato. I did put it to the missus (fnarrr, and then afterwards said to her) that I doubt it would like it very much if I were to go to its basket where it sleeps, and take a huge steaming post-vindaloo dump in it.

Does this involve Noddy Holder and a glass coffee table?

For £50/day I will come to your house and shout murderous rage at all passing animals.

I'll take you up on that. Would you like to pay cash or direct debit?

Anything but a cheque, clearly.

How much for you to just come over and chop it in half with an axe? Length or width-wise, I don't care.

Our neighbours had a pit bull that they kept tied up at one end of their garden for years. At the other end of the garden there was a pond with a few fish in. We had a cat that never killed fish - it loved tuna and prawns, but didn't ever go fishing, preferring mice and sparrows. He used to go next door and sit next to the pond, staring at the dog, while waving his paw casually around in the water, just to watch the dog go mental. He never actually tried to catch any of the fish.

He was brilliant.

What the fuck? Is your missus Lucrezia Borgia?

My old cat used to sit by next door's pond, until one day he lost his balance and fell in.

He was pissed.

H&K MP5

Lion shit.

Let the cat into your house instead. Problem solved!

No good. Most cats can do that running sideways along walls and ducking superfast out of the way thing that Neo can do in the matrix.

Land mines.

Cats hover.

Move.

Cats follow.

Destroy your garden with a flamethrower.

Cats are mostly asbestos-based.

Take off and nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

Catastrophic!

+



= Catbegone.


This is the edited version. I originally had letterbox + air-rifle.

Squirt them into a door?

FTFY

You could borrow my avatar, he LOVES cats. I think he grew up on bags of kittens as he was found on a rubbish tip on the Greek island of Skiathos - when he first met ours he had to be forcibly restrained from eating them on the spot - now he just tries to pick them up and throw them about. He'll make short work of any cat, however, though he won't trash your car or house, he will do turds about the same size as the cat, all over your garden, and when he pees, it's like a new lake is being formed.

Anyway - to cut to the chase, cats are territorial critters, so you have two choices, either as Zardoz said, get some big cat shit - it does work apparently. Or get a cat of your own.

Failing that I would recommend a slingshot - you can still buy them legally and peanuts or small stones will sting the cat enough to eventually put it off, or there's always one of those water pistols that look like sci-fi cannons - they're called supersoakers or something. And obviously Nitromors would melt it, so use your own piss instead.

Put up posters around the garden with anti-cat slogans on them like "Cats? No thanks" and "Go away awful cats". This will have a demoralizing effect on the cat and he may begin to question his actions.

Call it extreme if you like but I propose we hit it hard, and hit it fast, with a major and I mean major, leaflet campaign.

Bear in mind Meaty lives in Caerphilly, he'd have to make the signs in Welsh too.

Also, the cat might be a retard and unable to read.

While it's reeling from that, we'd follow up with a whist drive, a car boot sale, some street theatre and possibly even some benefit concerts. Okay? Now, if that's not enough, I'm sorry, it's time for the T-shirts: "Cats Out" ... "Miaowing Life Forms, No Thanks" ... and if that's not enough, well, I don't know what will be.