It can't be a proper game, you've got no antagonist defined thus far. Just a disparate collection of tossers (no offence meant) and losers (sorry!)* with nothing for them to all to come together for.
You need a baddie, in short.
I recommend following the Hollywood playbook and making him a dirty forrin type. Make him hmm, a bit short (like Napoleon was alleged to be), with some kind of hilarious facial thing like a daft handlebar moustache, or maybe an amusing hat, and give him some silly nationality. Welsh, or French, or Luxembourgish (see also: Albanians in Wag the Dog), something that's obviously not really an evil foreign empire basically. Oh! And give him some hilarious vice. Perhaps sexual... or y'know, he's a massive alcoholic. But not so boring as that, make it a bit quirky. I dunno... cake - yes, like Jo Brand, have the antagonist be addicted to cake. Or packets of nuts, say. Lastly, he needs to have a terrifying but surprisingly mundane modus operandi. For example, the antagonist from No Country For Old Men uses merely an air cylinder to wreak frightening death. So, hmm, give the antagonist something you could find in a typical B&Q. Such as perhaps a caulking gun, for caulking with caulk. Or a carpet stapler - that sort of thing. And, if you wanted to do something a bit different, instead of him actually killing people... have him (or her, natch) perhaps... massively affect the gas supply for a house, so it's now unsafe. Or an EMP device (a bit out the ordinary that, of course) that disables all local vehicles, which might e.g. prevent a MetalAngel or MaliA player from riding on his motorcycle to safety, or AceAceBaby and Grim... from escaping in their jeeps.
I don't really go on forums that much, really, I never have. Is there anyone on Retrogamer or RLLMUK who might do for some part of the above? Not all of it, obviously, that'd be daft, but anyone who kind of slightly fits the bill? Jeff Minter maybe? His special weapon could be waggling a stereogram in front of your eyes and then flouncing off if you tell him you really can't see anything and are a bit bored.
* I'm kidding! Ho ho!
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